Available for Fall Semester
Mother Madre University

In response to recent reports that campus counseling centers nationwide have had a 16% increase in students seeking assistance, Mother Madre University seeks two additional therapists.

The successful candidate will listen to tearful college students who tell tales of drama, psychosis and mild stress. Will offer meaningful, heart-felt feedback and plenty of tissues. Must consider every student issue a life-or-death circumstance.

Qualifications
Must be able to cry on command during staff meetings, family dinners or stressful phone conversations with colleagues. Must consider self the conscience of the campus and fearlessly call other administrators to tell them how to do their jobs.

Requirements
Must take ongoing graduate coursework and use class time as a substitute for self-centric group therapy, regardless of the class topic.

Perks
Generous budget for self-help books. Free meditation fountain and SAD lamp for office. Plenty of mental health days off.

Chicago native Oprah Winfrey is reportedly angry at the National Association of Student Personnel Administrators, though executive leadership of the organization refuses to respond to these claims.

NASPA provided delegates, included candidates and employers at The Placement Exchange, with bright blue reusable bags, similar to those available for purchase at big box stores nationally. With almost 4,000 registered delegates for this year’s annual conference in Chicago, NASPA has a visible presence in the city, particularly on the Magnificent Mile, a stretch of Michigan Avenue that is renowned for its high-end retail options.

Winfrey apparently spotted these bags and demanded that her staff locate one for each member of her talk show’s studio audience. Given the number acquired by the NASPA planning team, no bags were available for Winfrey.

“I thought she was going to lose it,” said an unnamed staff member at Harpo Productions, Inc., the company that produces all of Winfrey’s endeavors. “I distracted her with some Oreo cookies.”

“We are aware of the crisis,” said Jason Nomdecker, a representative from the bag vendor. “We’re extremely hopeful to have more available in time for Oprah’s Favorite Things episode.”

NASPA attendees have been advised to keep their bags close to their bodies to avoid having them stolen by Winfrey’s staffers.

In the most awkward Chicago moment since Michael Jordan bought the Bobcats, 70 candidates at The Placement Exchange (TPE) showed up for job interviews last week to find they had all dressed in the same black suit.

Organizers of TPE, the annual national job fair for professionals in college student affairs, met in an emergency session while volunteers steered humiliated candidates to the adjacent “Stress-Free Zone” for massages, Play Doh, and post-trauma counseling.

“It was only a matter of time,” said one employer who saw the same suit appear at his table five candidates in a row. “Student affairs pros aren’t known as style icons, and they work on a limited budget. Still, it would help if they learned to accessorize more strategically so I could tell them apart.”

A TPE representative has approached officials from the National Association of Student Personnel Administrators (NASPA) who are holding their annual conference in the same Chicago convention center this week.

“We think we could throw together a workshop on conference fashion this week,” explained the representative. “It’s too late for this year’s TPE, but we can be proactive as we consider future participants.”

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Dr. Louis Pynne, professor of Peace Studies at Cobb College, was found dead in his office Wednesday evening. Authorities say the cause of death was most likely a pizza overdose.

“It was a perfect storm,” said Chief of Campus Security Trey Reingold. “Dr. Pynne had attended two residence hall workshops, an office birthday party and four doctoral defense presentations within a short duration of time.”

“It sounds so obvious now,” said a distraught office manager, who arranged two of the doctoral defense meetings, “but none of us thought to order subs.”

by Irma Voigt
Staff Writer

A lawsuit filed last week alleges that Marquardt College, a small, religious institution, mishandled a prospective employee’s interview in February.

“It was well-intentioned,” said Mariam Puckett, university spokeswoman. “This candidate was unable to attend a placement exchange so the department in question made an accommodation for him. Unfortunately the selection committee did not fully understand the technology they elected to use.”

While phone interviews and even Skype are common in the interview process for many faculty and staff positions, a representative from Marquardt College recommended that the candidate connect with the search committee via the new “it” technology ChatRoulette.com. ChatRoulette allows two people with webcams and microphones to connect; however, there is no ability to choose with whom you connect. The philosophy of the site is to connect strangers with one another.

“It was a poor choice,” Puckett said. “Marquardt College sincerely regrets the incident. We look forward to speaking further with the candidate about his qualifications for the position after he’s feeling better.”

The candidate’s name is not being released per human resources confidentiality requirements. His lawyer, David Gamble, issued a statement on his behalf.

“My candidate saw things no one should be subjected to involuntarily, particularly when expecting an interview. He is recovering from this traumatic incident at an undisclosed hospital where he has no access to social media websites.”

Gamble said that his first interview with his client was limited to mumblings about a size-46 woman in a spandex cat costume.

A second, unrelated lawsuit was filed by a female candidate in the same process, alleging that the search committee took inordinate pleasure in their use of describing Marquardt as “a small private.”

Professor Emeritus of Life LessonsWilliam C. Jefferson School of DiplomacyDubois University, Arkansas
Opening for Fall 2010

Description
Will teach the theory and philosophy of successful rebounds from epic failures. Modeled after Elliot Spitzer’s position at City College of New York and the recent Washington & Lee speaking engagement conducted by humiliated New York Times ex-journalist Jayson Blair, the Life Lessons professor will teach from the heart.

Ideal Candidate
Must be able to spin mind-blowing scandal into inspirational pep talks about “the best thing that ever happened to me.” Special consideration will be given to shamed US Senator John Edwards, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and (pending resolution of current scandal) Tiger Woods.

Perks
Successful candidates will receive tuition waivers for sons, daughters and friends to attend the *MBA program of choice.

*Waivers sponsored by the Bernie Madoff Grant Foundation while supplies last.

by Irma Voigt
Staff Writer

Seven student leaders were arrested Saturday night after a brawl in uptown Maumee, Ohio over competing philanthropic events for earthquake relief in both Haiti and Chile.

“We were at Founders’ Gate. We even reserved it through the Union scheduling lady,” said Ashley Orza, president of the Community Activists Club, a registered student organization at Maumee College.

Orza said her organization was making grilled cheese sandwiches for the bar crowd with all donations going to a Haiti relief charity.

“It was totally a nice thing to do,” said Orza. “We wanted to send more money to all those poor people whose lives were destroyed by the earthquake.”

Members of Rho Lambda Chi, a national service honorary, set up shop on the city courthouse steps across from Founders’ Gate. They were selling Walking Tacos to raise money for Chilean earthquake relief.

“It was a last minute thing,” said Bradley Springer, Rho Lambda Chi president. “You know, we’d been planning on raising money for the local domestic violence shelter when this Chile thing happened.”

“We’ve had this planned for months,” said Orza. “It’s not fair. We couldn’t have known that another natural disaster was going to happen. Rho Lambda totally should have given us our space.”

But Springer disagreed.

“To capitalize on this horrible, tragic situation, we needed to strike while the iron was hot,” said Springer. “That’s what Rho Lambda Chi is really all about – exploiting tragedy , selling junk food, and then sending a share of the donations back to those affected by tragedy.”

Things headed south just after 1:00 a.m. according to a report provided by Maumee College Police.

“Witnesses described taco meat flung across the street and grilled cheese sandwiches tossed like Frisbees,” stated the report. The seven student leaders arrested face charges ranging from disorderly conduct to unlawful throwing of meat products in city limits.

Kelly Gibson, Assistant Director of Student Activities at Maumee, said that she plans to address these issues at her next all-organization officers’ meeting.

“We obviously need better communication and guidelines about what necessitates a fundraiser for a natural disaster and how to determine which disaster takes priority.”

By Brody Truce
Staff Writer

For years, residence hall directors have relied on one simple team building activity to boost morale when tensions arise among resident assistants: the cookie cake.

“To be fair, a cookie cake isn’t actually a team building activity,” explains Misty Koran, a PhD candidate in higher education at The College of Eastern Nevada. “It’s really just a baked good.”

Koran sheepishly confessed that she initially set out to prove that cookie cakes are not team builders. “My advisor rejected my original thesis because it’s actually just a fact that you can look up on Wikipedia. In my defense, I’ve worked in Residence Life for so long that I actually believed cookie cakes were a team building activity. I’ve since learned that team builders are actually activities that help to improve team performance or morale.”

Koran resubmitted her research proposal with an interesting twist: even though it’s only a baked good, can a cookie cake actually improve staff morale? To find out, Koran worked with residence assistants in three buildings that were experiencing staff conflict: one group received a cookie cake, one group was asked to use conflict management techniques without a cookie cake, and the control group was given neither intervention nor cookie cake. The results?

“Cookie cakes have the same effect on conflict resolution as doing nothing at all. What’s worse is that cookie cakes are also full of saturated fat,” explained Koran. “And that creates a whole other set of nutritional problems.”

What does work to resolve staff conflict? Talking about problems.

Koran’s third group, which received the conflict management intervention, showed a 42% increase in staff morale after actually discussing what was bothering them—more than ten times the effect offered by the cookie cake intervention. “Everyone in our department was really blown away by this finding.”

“This sucks,” complained Jordan Charles, a resident assistant in Sierra Madre Hall. “I’ve been fighting with my coworkers all year—the only good thing about our staff meeting was the cookie cake that our RD brought every week.”

Residence hall directors around the country are now scrambling for effective solutions to conflict resolution. What’s next for Koran, now that she’s debunked cookie cakes?

“I have a very interesting theory about playing name games during freshman orientation.”

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