Personal Protection (within campus perimeter only)

Date: 2010-03-14, 11:28AM EST
Reply to: mailto:job-cronk-8037179008@craigslist.org

Are you administrators tired of having your ideas and initiatives shot down because you don’t get any respect? Do you live in fear of being fired for doing the right thing? Sick of job instability because you work on a year-to-year contract? Hire TenureProf Protection Services. I have the full protection of a seasoned, tenured faculty member, and for the cost of your lunch money, I can offer the following:

• I’ll vocally support your programmatic efforts at committee meetings
• I’ll take your ideas and pretend they’re mine so you can get funding and support
• I will attend one after-5:00 p.m. event in the dorms each semester

If you don’t pay for my services, I can’t promise to support a single thing you do. Sounds harsh, I know, but that’s just good business.

• Location: University Campus
• Compensation: your lunch money will be sufficient.
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 8037179008

Fountain Hills College, renowned for publishing the nation’s most extensive student policy handbook, announced this week that it would ban men’s rugby matches. The announcement cited a yet unpublished policy surrounding flagrant public instances of homoeroticism.

The policy, one of fifteen new edicts to be announced in September, bans “any acts of public homoeroticism, either purposeful or accidental.” Sources at Fountain Hills College report that the policy was sparked after a pre-season rugby match against a rival school.

“It’s monsoon season in Arizona, so there was a lot of rain…and mud,” said Dr. Bonnie Mendoza, Dean of Students. “Accidental or not, there was a lot of male-on-male touching, lots of wet clothing and a good deal of grunting. Most civilized people would agree that this sort of behavior conjures images. Gay images.”

• Also slated for banning under the new policy:
• Male Square Dancing
• Sunday football parties
• Urinals less than 10 inches apart
• Men wearing Hello Kitty watches
• Men’s Capri pants
• Two men jogging together in short shorts

Students are poised to protest when the 2010 student policy handbook is published in September. Interestingly, this policy is the first to unanimously unite the campus’s gay students and rugby team.

Even fancy new Segway tours can't disguise the fact that every campus is exactly the same.

The world of college admissions was rocked this week when a study of tour guides representing every university in the world revealed that in three key categories, there is absolutely no difference.

How is the food at your school?

It’s not mom’s cooking, but you can always find something. It’s all about options!

Is your campus safe?

If you use your common sense, you shouldn’t have any problems on our campus. Just walk with friends and keep your door locked, and you’ll be fine.

Do you have any bad professors?

It’s really a matter of style. Some professors match my style better than others, but they’re all good, depending on what you like.

"I wish every staff member were as dedicated and efficient as Edgar," said Wahrouda's president.

Wahrouda University IT staffer Edgar Calhoun takes his business cards very seriously.

On August 31, in an impromptu hallway meeting with Professor of Biochemistry Eli North, Calhoun finally exchanged business cards with the reclusive emeritus professor, giving him a complete set of Wahrouda University business cards. It took just over seven years to collect the complete set of 1,578 cards.

“My rule was that I had to speak with them – it had to be face-to-face and there had to be an exchange of cards. Otherwise it just didn’t count,” Calhoun said.

His tally includes the university’s 1223 current staff and faculty, 117 “carded” students, including members of the Associated Students governing board, and 278 cards of employees who no longer work at the university, including eight who have passed away.

“I got Dean Stockstill’s card just a few hours before he died,” Calhoun said of the much-loved head of the College of Science who passed away in 2008 from complications of diabetes. “I had to help him with Internet Explorer. He was so kind – he gave me some money to go buy us some big sodas. 64-ouncers. Regular for me, diet for him.”

“Mine kind of tasted like diet, though,” he recalled.

As an IT professional, Calhoun got many of his cards simply in his day-to-day job of maintenance and upkeep of the school’s Windows XP computers. But he had other techniques as well.

“Holiday parties were a boon. Around Christmas time, I could collect a couple dozen cards in just a few hours. Never could drink at those parties – had to keep my mind fresh. Always on the hunt,” he said.

North had proven to be Calhoun’s white whale. The professor generally avoided computers and thus didn’t need the services of an IT professional. Further, as an emeritus, he was off campus for long periods of time. Finally, Calhoun resorted to subterfuge.

“I’d been working in the same building as his lab, and I’ll be darned if somehow some wires got crossed on the network hub and his graduate students couldn’t get to the web. They called to let him know there was a problem and he came in. And there I was. Fixed it in a jiffy and got my card.”

New staff members are always a challenge for Calhoun, but he has built a system to ensure nobody sneaks past him.

“For a while I tried volunteering for the new employee orientation, but I soon realized that they didn’t have business cards yet. So I had to try something different,” he said. “What I ended up doing was to program a Trojan horse [virus] into the Printing and Reprographics work order system. Now, whenever an order comes in for a business card, I get pinged and can arrange for a ‘visit’”.

Calhoun recalled one of his biggest triumphs – getting a staff member to walk all the way back to his office in the pouring rain to get the elusive business card. “I went all the way across campus with him. Got soaked. I’m sure he thought I was nuts.”

“He’s totally nuts,” said librarian Ruth Dracon. “I’d been on the job for maybe two weeks when I got this call from him, saying he has to update some anti-virus program or something. Then he gets here, whips out his card, gets one of mine and is gone in ninety seconds. He clearly only wanted me for a card.”

“I fully expect to see him on an episode of ‘Hoarders’ before too long,” she added.

"I'm not a vegetarian, but I am a Vege-Ally," said one student. "Alex's utter thoughtlessness made me cry for all the vegans who may have been at the retreat."

This past weekend saw diversity disaster strike at the annual Vice President’s Diversity Retreat at Great Forest State Park in Colorado. The retreat, sponsored by Two Hills University, was coordinated this year by Alex Grey, a second-year master’s student. The retreat itself was running smoothly until lunch on the second day was served for the participants, and it featured only meat dishes, including a prime rib station, but no vegetarian options, not even a salad bar.

“I was really disappointed,” said Tracy Walters, a sophomore English major and five-year vegetarian. “I am diverse, but now all I feel is oppressed by the University, as they only obviously care about students who embrace a carnivorous lifestyle.”

Grey initially tried to play off the oversight as a mistake on the state park’s part, but an invoice provided by the resort manager proved otherwise.

“Yes, I thought it was odd there was a meat-only lunch. I mean, we get these retreats all the time, and I have never seen this before. I thought maybe we were hosting the Meat and Poultry Sciences Department again,” stated the catering manager in charge of the event.

Students were extremely impressed with the retreat up to that point, especially the workshop titled “Diversity, Social Justice and Equity–Oh My!”, but many are now worried that this slip up may foreshadow future issues on campus.

“Yeah, I am already lobbying my student senator to make sure the university doesn’t change its rules on punishing those who sleep in class. Just because I’m different and wiser and need to rest my eyes doesn’t mean I should suffer,” said Reginald Masters, a 91-year-old sophomore economics major, one of several nontraditional students at the retreat. “I’m worried they’ll take away my priority reservations on the Rascal Scooters the school owns if they are this willing to take away salads from the hippies.”

Tracy Walters is taking her newfound fire and passion around diversity and plans to take action once she gets back to campus and her organization, SALAD (Students Against Liking Animal Diets). “Usually I don’t like diversity retreats, but this is one time that I wish they had shoved diversity down my throat. I still haven’t gotten a meal.”