by Dexter Woodlawn
Freelance Writer

After being left at the altar by the National Association of Student Personnel Association (NASPA), the American College Personnel Association (ACPA) is now stuck going on the planned honeymoon alone, despite a promise from NASPA that they “could remain good friends.”

NASPA recently made the decision to pull out of the associations’ agreement of a 2014 joint conference. Traditionally the joint meeting has taken place every 10 years, but was moved up on the schedule from its original 2017 date in order to coincide with the possible merger of the two organizations. However, earlier this spring the merger was denied by the voting membership of NASPA and the wedding bells stopped ringing.

There are still hopes for a coffee date at the regularly scheduled 2017 Joint Conference, but with NASPA making all the decisions in this break up, ACPA was left with a “we’ll call you” letter (http://www.naspa.org/about/boarddocs/2014.pdf). According to insiders, things just seemed to become too big, too real and happened too fast for NASPA. They need some time to think about it before seeing ACPA again.

by Schubert Lovenkraft
Freelance Writer

Chef Rocco Maroni from Victor's Surprise Research & Development explains how he used a recipe similar to that of his famous edible bikini briefs for the lanyards.

Victor’s Surprise, an industry leader in the edible undergarment business, has expanded into the world of convention accessories by unveiling a new line of edible conference lanyards.

“We was talking about ways to expand the family business,” explained company boss Joey ‘Big Daddy’ Gambini. “Then Sal saw these fancy name tags at an after-party in Vegas, and . . . ba-da-bing! Tasty Tags.”

Convention goers have increasingly complained about the environmental wastefulness of elaborate nylon conference lanyards utilized by many national organizations in recent years. Some popular conference cities have been forced to dedicate entire landfills to these discarded name badges.

“We are always looking for ways to be more environmentally conscious,” said Cherri Bagatelle, Associate Vice President of the National Council of Convention Bureaus. “Who would think that such a great idea would come from such an unexpected place. Our members are telling us that the education sector clients are particularly impressed with the dual functionality of Tasty Tags.”

The American Educational Research Association (AERA) has already ordered 10,000 Tasty Tags for their annual conference in 2012.

“The big thing about Tasty Tags is that people don’t have to skip a session to eat,” said National Conference Chair Hermosa Jones. “They can just snack on their lanyard while they get the most out of every panel. Best of all, they are completely vegan and totally biodegradable.”

“We are glad to know that the Tasty Tags will be popular with teachers,” added Gambini. “They have been some of our biggest Victor’s Surprise customers for decades.”

Tasty Tags currently come in three flavors; strawberry, chocolate, and plain – which reportedly tastes just like tofu. In addition, Victor’s Surprise has plans to introduce peppermint and ginger flavored lanyards by early next year. “We thought they might be popular at those conferences that have a lot of intensive networking in the hotel bar.”

by Jake Kepler
Freelance Writer

Wasteful tag decorations like these will be replaced with a more earth-friendly hierarchical ranking system.

In an effort to go green and cut costs, both the Association of American College Educators and the National University Professionals Coalition have agreed to a long-sought plan to elimine costly pins, stickers and ribbons for use on name tags at their national conferences. Instead the organizations will use a simple, time-saving number ranking system printed in large digits immediately above members’ names.

“It’s great,” says AACE member Rich Halloway. “Now I don’t have to wear my six ‘Committee for Social Justice’ buttons, pins from each school I’ve interviewed with, Ally stickers, presenter ribbon, regional button, grad school logo or my FISH philosophy pin. Everyone can look at my name tag and I know I’m ranked in the top 100. It saves a lot of time.”

NUPC has stated that the measure should improve the overall conference experience for the “best of us” while AACE anticipates “fewer awkward conversations with riff-raff.”

Maryssa LaPoint, an employer interviewing candidates at the Employment Bonanza potion of the AACE conference, thinks the ranking system will save time and money at future placement conferences. “I’m not losing any time reading flashy name tags and judging someone based on their flair. Now it only takes me a second to know how much more involved I am than these other people.”

At a NUPC presentation on the benefits of the new system, limited of course to only those ranked 50 and up, Number 45 raised a concern about shutting out newer members, but was subsequently shouted down by Numbers 26 through 31.

The new “By the Numbers” initiative is expected to be fully implemented by next year’s conferences.

by Dexter Woodlawn
Freelance Writer

Anticipation was ripe just before 6 p.m. last night as the world of college administration eagerly awaited the announcement of the consolidation vote of the two major student affairs organizations, the National Association of Student Personnel Administrators (NASPA) and the American College Personnel Association (ACPA).  The two organizations have operated independently, but with similar missions, for decades, coming together only for a traditional joint meeting every ten years.

The proposed consolidation was the most discussed piece of legislation by either organization in their respective histories, and the lively discussion leading up to the vote grew increasingly emotionally charged as the end of the process neared.

“It’s the most important decision higher education has ever faced,” said James Rankin, a counseling center employee at Mother Madre University who says he voted against the consolidation. “I can’t sleep or concentrate on anything at work because I keep thinking about the merger.”

After a month-long balloting process, the two organizations announced yesterday that the organizations would remain separate.

“I think this might be the end of universities,” said Belinda Ripple, a first-year graduate student who belongs to ACPA. “I’m studying student personnel, but now I think I might quit. I don’t know what to believe about our collective values anymore.”

“This travesty occurred because only the seasoned professionals in NASPA were allowed to vote,” said the provost from Rockerfeller State University, who lobbied hard for the merger. “Graduate students, who are just learning about the field, should have had a major voice instead of being marginalized.”

Outside of the relatively small community of student affairs professionals, the rest of higher education failed to notice.

Fiona Grace, vice president of external relations of the American Educational Research Association (AERA), commented, “Those two kids were thinking of merging? I didn’t even know they were dating.”

Similar responses came from the American Council of Education (ACE) and the Association for the Study of Higher Education (ASHE).  Most interesting was the email response from a senior member of the American Association of University Professors (AAUP) that simply read, “Huh?”

It is anticipated that discussion will continue, and some current student affairs administrators now have to make decisions. Kevin Milligan, conduct officer at Dallas Central College tweeted, “Well that does it! Now I’m only going to be a member of one anyway!” Milligan has yet to announce his allegiance.

Others encourage administrators to move on, like Maryland State College Dean Rebecca Nance who remarked, “We still have to go back to work tomorrow.”

The couple reportedly fears that the white cake with white icing would be misconstrued as non-inclusive.

by Brody K. Truce
Senior Staff Writer

Even though the polls have just closed on the proposed consolidation of higher education powerhouse organizations NASPA and ACPA, sources close to the couple say the associations are moving forward with wedding arrangements and have narrowed their cake choices to three possibilities and their prospective flower girls down to a “Final Four” shortlist.

“They’re really struggling to choose a cake flavor,” said Margie Swanson of The Great Plains Cake Company during a phone interview on Friday. “It looks like they’re down to a “Peachy Paterno” ice cream cake, a traditional white cake with white icing and a marble cake with chocolate butter cream frosting.” The couple reportedly fears that the white cake with white icing might be misconstrued as non-inclusive.

Flower girl nominees include:

1. Marcia Baxter-Magolda: [Editor’s note: The CronkNews staff has a collective crush on Dr. Baxter-Magolda and is dying to see her in a yellow chiffon dress.]

2. Julie Park: The couple was reportedly very impressed with her contribution to the ACPA opening ceremony. Dr. Park has allegedly offered to assess the effectiveness of the ceremony if selected.

3. Irma Pelt: Ms. Pelt has reportedly offered to add 100 cases of Boone’s Farm Blue Hawaii to the NASPA dowry if selected.

4. Lindsay Lohan: Theoretically, Ms. Lohan’s presence would detract from the controversy associated with the marriage.

Lindsay Lohan could not be reached for comment, but Irma Pelt had the following to offer via a Twitter interview. “Asking me to be flower girl feels like a patronizing attempt to demonstrate how people will be able to be involved in the MegaOrg…or a cheap way of getting me to show a little leg. Either way, I’m flattered.”