by Erica Price
Freelance Writer

"I never have to buy groceries like other people my age," says Coach Spaulding. "The dorm cafeteria is better than tenure for keeping me here and the kids love to hear my stories."

Rave reviews from the National Association of Student Personnel Association’s (NASPA) recent “Institute for Aspiring Senior Student Affairs Officers” conference have inspired a different group of student affairs administrators to consider some different professional development initiatives.

The newly founded “Gold Watch Institute” will be held this coming April in Jacksonville, Florida. The new program grew from a vocal coalition of members of NASPA expressing concern that with the high turnover rate in the field of student affairs, it was time to visibly promote a message that supports more long term employees at various institutions.

“We’re just tired of these cut-throat, ambitious, status-seeking types” says Jack Richardson, coordinator of the new higher education institute. “They’re always looking for the next step. Why not be happy where you are?”

The organizing committee plans to distribute their “It’s OK 2 Stay” buttons as a form of peaceful dissent at the upcoming Placement Exchange professional recruitment conference and the official launch of their new program. The public relations campaign features Maggie Hahn, t21-year development assistant at Shoreline Community College in Terre Haute, Indiana. When asked about her decision to not even seek potential new opportunities she said, “In today’s economy there’s not a lot of extra money in the bank account for things like interview suits. My suit from twenty years ago doesn’t fit anymore and I have other priorities than buying a new one. So, I stay.”

Keynote speaker for the Institute has been announced as Mr. Kenneth G. Boltonne, who has served as Career Services Coordinator at Keshaw State University in Illinois for the past 32 years. His presentation, entitled “Stick Around for a While, You’ll Learn Something” will highlight benefits of long term employment in the same position for so long. His tales of skillfully memorizing the catering guide for campus event planning and use of the same box of business cards for multiple decades is certain to inspire more employees to settle down.

The Institute will also honor Jack “Coach” Spaulding with the coveted “Deep Roots” Award for institutional service. At 64 years old, he is the oldest serving residence hall director in the student affairs profession. When asked for his reaction to his recognition, he said “When I started as the assistant basketball coach all those years ago I had no idea what student affairs was all about. They moved me over to the RD spot after realizing I didn’t know anything about basketball and that they shouldn’t have hired me in the first place. Who knew I would love it this much?”

Follow the preparation for the new Institute and feel free to join the dialogue on Twitter at the hashtag #stayput11.

Breaking a sacred confidentiality vow, an employer at the recent American College Personnel Association placement conference “Career Central” accidentally slipped the real use of candidate portfolios.

“A candidate brought a laptop with her to her interview so she could show me her e-portfolio,” explained the employer. “By the thirtieth page, I couldn’t hold back and I spilled the beans.” The employer now faces charges with the National Student Affairs Ethics Board.

“He told me candidates’ quality is in opposite proportion to the length of their portfolios,” explained the interviewee. “The longer the portfolio, the less likely they’ll like you. I spent the rest of the day in the special candidate massage room crying and on the phone with my mom.”

Members of the Ethics Board will meet soon to make a decision about the employer’s fate.

“If the employer did reveal the portfolio secret, it could be a devastating blow to many interviewers,” said one member of the Board. “Employers depend on these blathering self-important portfolios for comedic relief during otherwise exhausting placement stints.”

From MIT to Cal Tech, nerds seeking interviews with top tech firms have shown up wearing the same ill-fitting business attire. Finally, staff members from career placement offices have engaged with social scientists to try better define the problem.

“Every year, at our pre-interview workshops, we tell students to dress professionally, but we see the same wrinkled jackets and high-water dress pants,” sighed Zandra Chao, placement officer from the San Fernando Mathematics Institute. “I don’t even want to talk about the white tube socks.”

“As scientists, we’re torn,” admits Jeffery O’Quade of the Social Science Brain Trust in Washington, DC. “Evidence shows that nerdy students are born with unusual limb characteristics, which makes off-the-rack suit purchases difficult. At the same time, these students are predisposed to avoid behaviors such as ironing.”

“We’re hoping to obtain a research grant to support Dr. O’Quade’s work,” said Chao. “We need resources to find out about this wardrobe dynamic – and soon. We haven’t even begun to talk about grooming.”

Whether you use ACPA, the Placement Exchange or HigherEdJobs.com, we want to hear your craziest, funniest tales from this year’s job searches.

Register at Twitter and @CronkNews with your Tweeted interview (or lack of) journal. We’ll post stories HERE. Employers, we’re talking to you, too!

Worried about anonymity? Email your stories and your preferred alias (Tweet-length, please) to Editor@CronkNews.com.

Counseling services across the country have seen a spike in client numbers as supervisory staff at universities wrap up their hiring for the 2009-10 academic year.

“During interviews, everything is perfect,” sighed Linmouth University director of housing Alphonse Ruggles. “When candidates ask me about my leadership style, I know I’m the most visionary and supportive mentor they’ll ever have in their careers. They look so happy when I tell them how wonderful I am.”

Sandra Zorkin, assistant director of development at Louisiana Universities agrees. “My current staff is a bunch of whiners, but every year I hire wonderful amazing applicants. I look forward to that honeymoon period every year when I get rid of the old and recruit fantastic new staff. It will help me save on the money I spend for self-esteem therapy each year.”

The Journal of College Administration indicates that entry-level staff are disappointed that employers portray themselves and their institutions as better than reality would suggest, and would value the opportunity to make more informed decisions about their first jobs.

“Like Sandra said, they’re just a bunch of whiners,” replied Ruggles. “I can’t wait to hire new ones to replace them. They always seem to get it when I tell them how great I am.”