by I.M. Knott-Tawkin
Freelance Writer

Carton's newly-appointed provost, Gino Sangiorgi, earned his online PhD in ethics while serving time for extortion.

Breaking with a long-standing commitment to nonpartisan politics, the Department of Poli Sci at Succulent State University has endorsed its first slate of candidates in state elections. The policy was spearheaded by SSU’s new president, X.J. Carton who was hired after a lengthy national search for him, which included posting his picture on milk cartons and adding his image to the Ten Most Wanted list.

Carton, a disgraced former state senator, was eagerly recruited for his position due to his ability to deflect attention from mangled budgets and mingle shamelessly with controversial conservative donors. He has vocally stated his intent to support his old cronies in the upcoming election.

“It’s the right thing to do,” Carton said in a phone interview. “In the spirit of collaboration, they scratched my back and now it’s time for me to scratch theirs. Figuratively. Anyone else will be scratched out.”

Poli Sci department chair Wilbert Jones initially opposed the idea but felt powerless because of his tenure track status. The more he thought about it, however, the more he liked the idea.

“If that’s what the president wants, that’s what the president gets,” Jones said in a phone interview monitored by a third party.

“Massive budget cuts leave me no choice,” Jones added. “I’m currently teaching every course in the department, way beyond my specialization in ethics in politics. I am answering my own phones and doubling as an admissions representative. These steps are necessary to ensure that the the president is paid what he is worth. And, although these are really lean times in our state, our president clearly can chew the fat with top officials.”

Pre-law student Jennifer Jackson said, “I thought all colleges endorse candidates. Isn’t that how we get our state funding?” She intends to get to know her way down to the state house, which – initially – she thought was housed in a neighboring state.

“Oh yeah,” she added. “I forgot.”

“This is sure to get more of our students engaged in the political process,” Carton said. “And short of that, it’s sure to get more of our students engaged.”

by Con Chapman
Freelance Writer

"We're planning to hire an ivy league derby consultant next year to help Hailey start planning for her college essays," said one set of parents. "For $40,000 a year it would be well worth the cost."

CROTON-ON-HUDSON, New York. Caitlin Morgan has dreamed about attending Wellesley College, her mother’s alma mater, almost as long as she can remember.

“Mom took me there when I was a little girl and I just fell in love with the place,” says the high school junior as she enters the storefront office of an SAT test-preparation company in this tony Westchester County suburb.

But Caitlin’s dream may fall victim to the iron laws of demographics. Female students from the high school class of 2012 will account for 57% of all college applications this year and the odds of getting into the more prestigious liberal arts colleges have accordingly never been longer.

So what is Caitlin doing about it? In addition to cramming her schedule full of community service projects such as teaching synchronized swimming to heroin addicts, she is trying a new sport – one she hopes will give her an edge when admissions committees review her file–roller derby.

“So many girls from the better prep schools have field hockey and lacrosse on their résumés,” says Caitlin’s mother Linda, an investment banker with a charm bracelet that could hold a small Texas chain gang. “We wanted something that would make our daughter stand out.”

Long derided as the distaff equivalent of professional wrestling, roller derby is increasingly adopted by young women who need a “plus factor” to get into their school of choice. Yan-Lan Lian is the overachieving daughter of immigrant parents who has already performed a solo concert at Carnegie Hall, discovered a cure for psoriasis and won the national Spelling Bee, but she feels there is a gap in her résumé that only roller derby can fill.

“It is a fun game, if you don’t mind the stitches,” she says of the scars she bears on her forehead and cheeks. “I feel a pretty face is less important to the dean of admissions at Stanford than a diverse background with a variety of interests.”

Caitlin and Yan-Lan compete weekly in the tough College Prep Roller Derby League here where the minimum SAT score is 750 verbal, 700 math.

“When the jam is on I want to know that my teammates could perform a quadratic equation on me if go flying over the rail,” says Morgan, who plays for the Westchester County Witches.

As a “jammer” Morgan scores a point for the Witches each time she passes a member of the opposing team. Lian is a “blocker” for the Croton Cramp, and tries to prevent jammers from passing by throwing elbows and hip-checking her opponents onto the track or into the rail.

Admissions officers at top schools say that the competition for a limited number of slots at their schools can be vicious, and that parents are justified in seeking that extra edge.

“Frankly, I don’t think an Emily Dickinson would get into Mt. Holyoke these days unless she had something besides ‘How dreary to be Somebody/How public like a Frog!’ on her transcript,” says Elinor Walton, dean of admissions at the top-ranked women’s college in western Massachusetts. “I think we’d wait-list her and tell her to spend a year arm-wrestling or candlepin bowling to round herself out a little.”

For Caitlin Morgan, roller derby adds up to good clean fun and a standout résumé, says her mother, even if it means putting thousands of dollars of orthodonture at risk. “We can always buy Caitlin new teeth,” she says, “but getting into the right college is something you only get one shot at.”

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Con Chapman is the author of two novels and The Year of the Gerbil, a history of the 1978 Red Sox. His humor has appeared in The Atlantic, The Boston Globe and on Salon.com, among other places. He blogs at conchapman.wordpress.com.

In a hallowed annual tradition at tuition-driven Punxsutawney College, the elusive President Phil Peters stepped out of his office this morning to face a crowd of faculty and staff waiting for his prognostication regarding their salaries.

“President Peters has been at PC for over 30 years and we’ve enjoyed confronting him each February to learn our fate,” said Professor Alfred Lupul, who has not received a standard of living raise in over a decade.

“It’s so much fun to share in the spirit and traditions only a small private college can provide,” said Tammi Willis, who has been a residence hall manager for 19 years. “We hardly ever see the president. Rumors are always swirling that he should retire, so it’s a relief and celebration when he emerges in February.”

Peters opened a scroll, cleared his throat and read a familiar statement:

Once again, freshman enrollment is down, retention is terrible and donors aren’t donating. For the foreseeable future, I am freezing all salary rates, benefits and perks.

Staff and faculty cheered, hugged and returned to work.

“Thank goodness!” said Laurie Thornton. “If there’s one thing we hate at Punxsutawney it’s change. I don’t know what we’ll do if the president ever retires.”

by Brody K. Truce
Senior Staff Writer

"To make things worse, Timmy was intimate with a student from our rival college."

College mascots, generally universally adored, came under fire this week after lewd photos of Timmy the Tioga Timberwolf surfaced. Typically found energizing fans at Tioga Christian College sporting events, Timmy’s recent weekend excursion found him at the East Coast Fetish Convention. In a series of photos released Monday morning Timmy can be seen not in his signature gold and blue jersey, but instead in a leather harness. Most of the pictures show Timmy in what has been described as, “various compromising positions,” with plushies—a slang term for people who are sexually attracted to stuffed animals.

“I was so excited to see Timmy at the convention!” gushed one convention patron who wished to remain anonymous. “In the world of plushies college mascots are basically celebrities.” Convention goers crowded around Timmy hoping for an autograph or a photo opportunity.

But reaction from the mascot community and Tioga Christian College leaders has been far less than enthusiastic.

“Mascotting is a very serious responsibility,” explained Ethan Wainrick. For three years Wainrick has donned the Hillburg Hens college mascot uniform—a large green chicken with a yellow turtleneck sweater. “This is like a real job. You don’t go to a fetish convention and see a bunch of people in police uniforms or fire fighter outfits. Whoever plays Timmy should be stripped of his costume!”

Leaders at Tioga Christian College were equally dismayed by Timmy’s appearance at the convention.

“This tarnishes our college’s good name,” said vice president of public relations Stephen Marlow. “We stand for strong values of Christian kindness and part of Timmy’s job is to promote those values. Fetishes are a perversion of the devil.”

The student who has played Timmy for the past two years has reportedly been shunned by the college community.

The college has engaged a branding consultant to discuss new, less sexy mascots.

“We’re down to two options: Chastity the Cheetah or Prudence the Piglet.”

by Con Chapman
Freelance Writer

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. Harvard University yesterday announced a shift in tactics in its war on fraudulent work by faculty, saying it will allow professors to make stuff up in order to deter them from plagiarism.

“Plagiarism is a liability because people sue when you steal from them,” said President Drew Gilpin Faust, who has not been accused of plagiarism in writing “This Republic of Suffering,” a light-hearted romp through the subject of death in the Civil War. “Making stuff up, on the other hand, is a victimless crime.”

Faust cited Amy Wagers and Marc Hauser who published research papers in academic journals that were subsequently determined to be based on falsified or non-existent research. “The old VE-RI-TAS motto is out the window,” said Faust, referring to the Latin word for “truth” that appears in the school’s crest. “From now on, our message is ‘Don’t let the facts get in the way of a good story.’”

Because scholarly journals are not actually read by anyone, a false statement in an academic article is not punishable as either a crime or a civil tort.

“There’s no law on the books that says you can’t bore somebody,” said Sergeant Jim Hampy of the Cambridge, Mass. police force. “Take my brother-in-law Mike, f’r instance.”

Harvard had encouraged plagiarism under former President Lawrence Summers, who went on to become Secretary of the Treasury. Summers is currently a professor at Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, and supplements his academic salary by hosting “Make That Spare!”, a bowling show filmed in Paramus, New Jersey.

“Plagiarism is a Harvard professor’s droit de seigneur,” Lawrence said, referring to the practice among French nobles of taking liberties with their serfs’ daughters. “You’ve got all these land grant cow college professors cranking stuff out. Just photocopy it and you’ll have more time to rack up big consulting fees and talking-head appearances on public television shows.”