In a hallowed annual tradition at tuition-driven Punxsutawney College, the elusive President Phil Peters stepped out of his office this morning to face a crowd of faculty and staff waiting for his prognostication regarding their salaries.

“President Peters has been at PC for over 30 years and we’ve enjoyed confronting him each February to learn our fate,” said Professor Alfred Lupul, who has not received a standard of living raise in over a decade.

“It’s so much fun to share in the spirit and traditions only a small private college can provide,” said Tammi Willis, who has been a residence hall manager for 19 years. “We hardly ever see the president. Rumors are always swirling that he should retire, so it’s a relief and celebration when he emerges in February.”

Peters opened a scroll, cleared his throat and read a familiar statement:

Once again, freshman enrollment is down, retention is terrible and donors aren’t donating. For the foreseeable future, I am freezing all salary rates, benefits and perks.

Staff and faculty cheered, hugged and returned to work.

“Thank goodness!” said Laurie Thornton. “If there’s one thing we hate at Punxsutawney it’s change. I don’t know what we’ll do if the president ever retires.”

by Brody K. Truce
Senior Staff Writer

"To make things worse, Timmy was intimate with a student from our rival college."

College mascots, generally universally adored, came under fire this week after lewd photos of Timmy the Tioga Timberwolf surfaced. Typically found energizing fans at Tioga Christian College sporting events, Timmy’s recent weekend excursion found him at the East Coast Fetish Convention. In a series of photos released Monday morning Timmy can be seen not in his signature gold and blue jersey, but instead in a leather harness. Most of the pictures show Timmy in what has been described as, “various compromising positions,” with plushies—a slang term for people who are sexually attracted to stuffed animals.

“I was so excited to see Timmy at the convention!” gushed one convention patron who wished to remain anonymous. “In the world of plushies college mascots are basically celebrities.” Convention goers crowded around Timmy hoping for an autograph or a photo opportunity.

But reaction from the mascot community and Tioga Christian College leaders has been far less than enthusiastic.

“Mascotting is a very serious responsibility,” explained Ethan Wainrick. For three years Wainrick has donned the Hillburg Hens college mascot uniform—a large green chicken with a yellow turtleneck sweater. “This is like a real job. You don’t go to a fetish convention and see a bunch of people in police uniforms or fire fighter outfits. Whoever plays Timmy should be stripped of his costume!”

Leaders at Tioga Christian College were equally dismayed by Timmy’s appearance at the convention.

“This tarnishes our college’s good name,” said vice president of public relations Stephen Marlow. “We stand for strong values of Christian kindness and part of Timmy’s job is to promote those values. Fetishes are a perversion of the devil.”

The student who has played Timmy for the past two years has reportedly been shunned by the college community.

The college has engaged a branding consultant to discuss new, less sexy mascots.

“We’re down to two options: Chastity the Cheetah or Prudence the Piglet.”

by Con Chapman
Freelance Writer

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. Harvard University yesterday announced a shift in tactics in its war on fraudulent work by faculty, saying it will allow professors to make stuff up in order to deter them from plagiarism.

“Plagiarism is a liability because people sue when you steal from them,” said President Drew Gilpin Faust, who has not been accused of plagiarism in writing “This Republic of Suffering,” a light-hearted romp through the subject of death in the Civil War. “Making stuff up, on the other hand, is a victimless crime.”

Faust cited Amy Wagers and Marc Hauser who published research papers in academic journals that were subsequently determined to be based on falsified or non-existent research. “The old VE-RI-TAS motto is out the window,” said Faust, referring to the Latin word for “truth” that appears in the school’s crest. “From now on, our message is ‘Don’t let the facts get in the way of a good story.’”

Because scholarly journals are not actually read by anyone, a false statement in an academic article is not punishable as either a crime or a civil tort.

“There’s no law on the books that says you can’t bore somebody,” said Sergeant Jim Hampy of the Cambridge, Mass. police force. “Take my brother-in-law Mike, f’r instance.”

Harvard had encouraged plagiarism under former President Lawrence Summers, who went on to become Secretary of the Treasury. Summers is currently a professor at Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, and supplements his academic salary by hosting “Make That Spare!”, a bowling show filmed in Paramus, New Jersey.

“Plagiarism is a Harvard professor’s droit de seigneur,” Lawrence said, referring to the practice among French nobles of taking liberties with their serfs’ daughters. “You’ve got all these land grant cow college professors cranking stuff out. Just photocopy it and you’ll have more time to rack up big consulting fees and talking-head appearances on public television shows.”

by John Dolphin
Staff Writer

Father Brad O'Malley has always enjoyed No-Shave November but thinks he stands a better chance of excelling in Deodor-Lent.

Each year, college students grow out their hair during the month of November. The origin of this tradition is unknown, but it has been steadily growing in popularity until recently. It seems that like other fads, participation in “No Shave November” has become passé.

One student attributes the sudden loss of interest to the most recent season of “Dancing with the Stars” which showcased contestant Chaz Bono’s lackluster beard for a national audience week after week.

Upon seeing the beard, many students were disturbed and shaken. Freshman Andrew Morgan described the beard as “thin, patchy, and ill-fitting.” Even Bono’s most ardent supporters in the gay, lesbian and transgender community were opposed to the facial hair display.

In the absence of “No Shave November,” students are struggling to find other unhygienic holidays to celebrate. However, there are several new ideas on the table.

In the spring semester, the Cardinal Newman Society is pioneering “Deodor-Lent” to raise interest in Catholicism. When asked whether encouraging the stench, their club president replied, “Hey, any publicity is good publicity.”

Other potential traditions include, “No Floss February,” “Shoeless June,” and “Wear-the-Same-Pair-of-Underwear September.”

Generously shared by Kellen Story at http://Twitter.com/KellenStory