In response to recent reports that campus counseling centers nationwide have had a 16% increase in students seeking assistance, Mother Madre University seeks two additional therapists.

The successful candidate will listen to tearful college students who tell tales of drama, psychosis and mild stress. Will offer meaningful, heart-felt feedback and plenty of tissues. Must consider every student issue a life-or-death circumstance.

Qualifications
Must be able to cry on command during staff meetings, family dinners or stressful phone conversations with colleagues. Must consider self the conscience of the campus and fearlessly call other administrators to tell them how to do their jobs.

Requirements
Must take ongoing graduate coursework and use class time as a substitute for self-centric group therapy, regardless of the class topic.

Perks
Generous budget for self-help books. Free meditation fountain and SAD lamp for office. Plenty of mental health days off.

NASPA provided delegates, included candidates and employers at The Placement Exchange, with bright blue reusable bags, similar to those available for purchase at big box stores nationally. With almost 4,000 registered delegates for this year’s annual conference in Chicago, NASPA has a visible presence in the city, particularly on the Magnificent Mile, a stretch of Michigan Avenue that is renowned for its high-end retail options.

Winfrey apparently spotted these bags and demanded that her staff locate one for each member of her talk show’s studio audience. Given the number acquired by the NASPA planning team, no bags were available for Winfrey.

“I thought she was going to lose it,” said an unnamed staff member at Harpo Productions, Inc., the company that produces all of Winfrey’s endeavors. “I distracted her with some Oreo cookies.”

“We are aware of the crisis,” said Jason Nomdecker, a representative from the bag vendor. “We’re extremely hopeful to have more available in time for Oprah’s Favorite Things episode.”

NASPA attendees have been advised to keep their bags close to their bodies to avoid having them stolen by Winfrey’s staffers.

Organizers of TPE, the annual national job fair for professionals in college student affairs, met in an emergency session while volunteers steered humiliated candidates to the adjacent “Stress-Free Zone” for massages, Play Doh, and post-trauma counseling.

“It was only a matter of time,” said one employer who saw the same suit appear at his table five candidates in a row. “Student affairs pros aren’t known as style icons, and they work on a limited budget. Still, it would help if they learned to accessorize more strategically so I could tell them apart.”

A TPE representative has approached officials from the National Association of Student Personnel Administrators (NASPA) who are holding their annual conference in the same Chicago convention center this week.

“We think we could throw together a workshop on conference fashion this week,” explained the representative. “It’s too late for this year’s TPE, but we can be proactive as we consider future participants.”

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“It was a perfect storm,” said Chief of Campus Security Trey Reingold. “Dr. Pynne had attended two residence hall workshops, an office birthday party and four doctoral defense presentations within a short duration of time.”

“It sounds so obvious now,” said a distraught office manager, who arranged two of the doctoral defense meetings, “but none of us thought to order subs.”