Even fancy new Segway tours can't disguise the fact that every campus is exactly the same.

The world of college admissions was rocked this week when a study of tour guides representing every university in the world revealed that in three key categories, there is absolutely no difference.

How is the food at your school?

It’s not mom’s cooking, but you can always find something. It’s all about options!

Is your campus safe?

If you use your common sense, you shouldn’t have any problems on our campus. Just walk with friends and keep your door locked, and you’ll be fine.

Do you have any bad professors?

It’s really a matter of style. Some professors match my style better than others, but they’re all good, depending on what you like.

"I wish every staff member were as dedicated and efficient as Edgar," said Wahrouda's president.

Wahrouda University IT staffer Edgar Calhoun takes his business cards very seriously.

On August 31, in an impromptu hallway meeting with Professor of Biochemistry Eli North, Calhoun finally exchanged business cards with the reclusive emeritus professor, giving him a complete set of Wahrouda University business cards. It took just over seven years to collect the complete set of 1,578 cards.

“My rule was that I had to speak with them – it had to be face-to-face and there had to be an exchange of cards. Otherwise it just didn’t count,” Calhoun said.

His tally includes the university’s 1223 current staff and faculty, 117 “carded” students, including members of the Associated Students governing board, and 278 cards of employees who no longer work at the university, including eight who have passed away.

“I got Dean Stockstill’s card just a few hours before he died,” Calhoun said of the much-loved head of the College of Science who passed away in 2008 from complications of diabetes. “I had to help him with Internet Explorer. He was so kind – he gave me some money to go buy us some big sodas. 64-ouncers. Regular for me, diet for him.”

“Mine kind of tasted like diet, though,” he recalled.

As an IT professional, Calhoun got many of his cards simply in his day-to-day job of maintenance and upkeep of the school’s Windows XP computers. But he had other techniques as well.

“Holiday parties were a boon. Around Christmas time, I could collect a couple dozen cards in just a few hours. Never could drink at those parties – had to keep my mind fresh. Always on the hunt,” he said.

North had proven to be Calhoun’s white whale. The professor generally avoided computers and thus didn’t need the services of an IT professional. Further, as an emeritus, he was off campus for long periods of time. Finally, Calhoun resorted to subterfuge.

“I’d been working in the same building as his lab, and I’ll be darned if somehow some wires got crossed on the network hub and his graduate students couldn’t get to the web. They called to let him know there was a problem and he came in. And there I was. Fixed it in a jiffy and got my card.”

New staff members are always a challenge for Calhoun, but he has built a system to ensure nobody sneaks past him.

“For a while I tried volunteering for the new employee orientation, but I soon realized that they didn’t have business cards yet. So I had to try something different,” he said. “What I ended up doing was to program a Trojan horse [virus] into the Printing and Reprographics work order system. Now, whenever an order comes in for a business card, I get pinged and can arrange for a ‘visit’”.

Calhoun recalled one of his biggest triumphs – getting a staff member to walk all the way back to his office in the pouring rain to get the elusive business card. “I went all the way across campus with him. Got soaked. I’m sure he thought I was nuts.”

“He’s totally nuts,” said librarian Ruth Dracon. “I’d been on the job for maybe two weeks when I got this call from him, saying he has to update some anti-virus program or something. Then he gets here, whips out his card, gets one of mine and is gone in ninety seconds. He clearly only wanted me for a card.”

“I fully expect to see him on an episode of ‘Hoarders’ before too long,” she added.

"I'm not a vegetarian, but I am a Vege-Ally," said one student. "Alex's utter thoughtlessness made me cry for all the vegans who may have been at the retreat."

This past weekend saw diversity disaster strike at the annual Vice President’s Diversity Retreat at Great Forest State Park in Colorado. The retreat, sponsored by Two Hills University, was coordinated this year by Alex Grey, a second-year master’s student. The retreat itself was running smoothly until lunch on the second day was served for the participants, and it featured only meat dishes, including a prime rib station, but no vegetarian options, not even a salad bar.

“I was really disappointed,” said Tracy Walters, a sophomore English major and five-year vegetarian. “I am diverse, but now all I feel is oppressed by the University, as they only obviously care about students who embrace a carnivorous lifestyle.”

Grey initially tried to play off the oversight as a mistake on the state park’s part, but an invoice provided by the resort manager proved otherwise.

“Yes, I thought it was odd there was a meat-only lunch. I mean, we get these retreats all the time, and I have never seen this before. I thought maybe we were hosting the Meat and Poultry Sciences Department again,” stated the catering manager in charge of the event.

Students were extremely impressed with the retreat up to that point, especially the workshop titled “Diversity, Social Justice and Equity–Oh My!”, but many are now worried that this slip up may foreshadow future issues on campus.

“Yeah, I am already lobbying my student senator to make sure the university doesn’t change its rules on punishing those who sleep in class. Just because I’m different and wiser and need to rest my eyes doesn’t mean I should suffer,” said Reginald Masters, a 91-year-old sophomore economics major, one of several nontraditional students at the retreat. “I’m worried they’ll take away my priority reservations on the Rascal Scooters the school owns if they are this willing to take away salads from the hippies.”

Tracy Walters is taking her newfound fire and passion around diversity and plans to take action once she gets back to campus and her organization, SALAD (Students Against Liking Animal Diets). “Usually I don’t like diversity retreats, but this is one time that I wish they had shoved diversity down my throat. I still haven’t gotten a meal.”

Click image for full-size infographic.

Nathan Gorman has been terminated from his position as Director of the Peyton Randolph University Foundation, after deep losses to the university’s endowment fund landed the institution, one of Virginia’s oldest, on a Department of Education list of colleges that failed to pass a test of financial responsibility.

PRU’s appearance marked the first time a public university made the list, which usually profiles private institutions, and highlights those which may need closer oversight from the government. According to DOE spokesman Gerald Hendershot, PRU made the list due to the size of the loss, and what he termed “a highly risky investment strategy” created by Gorman, including investments in small alpaca farms, counterintuitive stock purchases, and monthly “investment junkets” to Atlantic City, New Jersey.

Director of University Relations Tom Mifflin was asked for public comment on the situation, but referred all questions about Gorman’s dismissal to the University’s General Counsel, Alice Higgenbottom. Gorman, however, was happy to discuss the situation and provide his perspective, in an interview on Thursday, where his attorney was also present.

“Look, those ratings are only part of the picture,” he countered. “They represent the position of our endowment portfolio on the day the snapshot was taken. Investments portfolios gain and fall and then gain again. The day they took our snapshot just wasn’t our day. I could’ve totally turned this thing around, but I wasn’t given a chance.”

Against the advice of his lawyer, Laurie Shively, Gorman offered three examples to “shed light on the big picture.” These examples (and his rationale for the investments) are included in the infographic accompanying this article. In a prepared statement on behalf of the university, Ms. Higgenbottom noted that the university has asked for the assistance of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Securities and Exchange Commission in looking into the matter. Further information will be released once it becomes available.

“Students don’t want presentations about personal safety and academic success,” said the orientation director.

On the heels of four years of negative feedback about student orientation, the Office of Student Orientation at The College of Eastern Nevada took an unusual departure from their normal agenda this year.

“Times have changed and our students don’t want to sit through hours of presentations about personal safety and academic success,” said Angie Ramirez, Director of Student Orientation. “They want drama.”

And drama is what they received. Employees from the Office of Student Orientation collaborated with the theater department to deliver an abstract rendition of Oedipus Rex, adapted to subtly deliver important messages to students about topics such as safe alcohol consumption and dining hall options. Faculty were wowed by the presentation.

“Bravo!” Exclaimed Darcy Wainwright, Professor of Classics. “This has been the most captivating first-year orientation yet. I know I’m not the only one to give this year’s orientation a standing ovation.”

Students, on the other hand, expressed confusion over the program.

“It was really hard to understand,” said David Johnston, a first-year student from Ames, Iowa. “Where I’m from, we just say what we mean. And we also don’t use the words ‘thee’ and ‘thy’ too often. But I guess this is what college is about.”

“I don’t understand what sleeping with someone’s mom has to do with my meal plan,” said first-year student Chelsea Wong. “And the masks were just creepy.”

Next year’s orientation will reportedly be presented in Kabuki.