The Cronk of Higher Education

Faculty at Phillip Seymour University celebrated Thursday when their academic governance council passed legislation to support the creation of a Department of Unpopular Tasks. “Each year, more and more busywork and nonsense is added to our plates, taking away from our focus on students,” said physics researcher Malcolm Dobbs. “Just last week I had to […]

“I don’t understand why I’m here,” said Vice President of Student Engagement Connie Tilden at her first couples counseling session with her significant other Assessment Data. “I love Data!” Tilden agreed to attend therapy only after Data threatened to end their relationship. “Connie tells me all the time that she loves me, and I admit […]

Jarquilla Pronders stunned her graduate school classmates at The Placement Exchange higher education job fair this week when she correctly identified three facts about the schools she had just interviewed with. “At first we were debriefing her interviews and I was sure she was cheating when she described the schools,” said second-year grad Michael Glaston, […]

Job Title: Expert in Everyone’s Job But Your Own Available immediately. Responsibilities: The successful candidate for the new position Expert in Everyone’s Job But Their Own will specialize in providing detailed opinions and excessive critique about everyone else at the college who has a job. Requirements: Must be able to Spend countless hours in the […]

Six members of the Atlas College fraternity Pi Lambda Rho were arrested last night for pledging activities that resulted in the hospitalization of fifteen pledges, one of whom is not expected to live. Known as the Hazing Half Dozen, the six students have a team of lawyers, parents, and parents who happen to be lawyers, […]

Students forming a new Campus Outreach Club in conjunction with the university’s counseling center reported that zero students signed up to join them after they spent twelve hours recruiting. “We set up a table in the campus center, right outside the college’s busiest cafeteria and not a single person stopped,” said Outreach Club founding president […]

Flags are at half-mast today at Publican State University, after junior Scott Dellamer was found dead from an apparent heroin overdose. “Of all ironies, Scott was scheduled to receive a $200 prize that evening from our Substance Team for Abuse Reduction [STAR],” said Dean of Student Affairs Casper Zambrano. “Scott designed the winning poster for […]

The Student Activities Office (SAO) at Cumbermount College has announced a reorganization of its department in order to provide more student-friendly services. “We see lots of students walk by our events without even noticing that something is happening because they have their noses in their phones,” said Director of Student Activities Leigh Ryka. “We’ve tried […]

For an unprecedented three years in a row the Juniper College Committee on Student Engagement has been honored with the National Student Engagement Association’s (NSEA’s) prestigious prize for Most Boring Communication. “The first year we won the award, it actually felt easy,” said Dean of Student Affairs Jillian Guest, who chaired the committee. “We launched […]

Student Honor Court Justices from Atlas College traveled to Jacksonville, Florida on Wednesday to present a session for the National Conduct Best Practices conference. “I was super excited to be going to my first conference,” said sophomore Dorinda Francis. “Our proposal was about a topic that is a real passion of mine – social justice.” […]