Likely, the final hours of American College Personnel Association (ACPA) President Tom Jackson’s term will be spent issuing pardons for a number of misguided conference delegates.

ACPA held its annual convention this week in Boston, where over 3000 college student affairs professionals met to attend workshops and learn the latest trends in higher education.

“What happened at the ‘Helping Students Deal with Abuse, Trauma and Devastation’ workshop was terribly unfortunate,” said a member of the ACPA public relations team. “From what we understand, a well-intended group from Pennsylvania created quite a ruckus.”

According to reports, the workshop presenter used storytelling as a technique to help the audience empathize with students who had experienced significant traumas.

“Every time the speaker mentioned a horrible maiming incident in Altoona, a group from Pennsylvania yelled ‘Woot! Woot!’ and high-fived each other,” said a witness.

“At first it was subtle. They used ‘raise the roof’ motions and made eye contact, but it quickly escalated,” explained a shaken session facilitator. “When the presenter described the awful mining accident that caused the Altoona maiming, the Pennsylvanians jumped from their seats and started doing dance moves like the Robot and the Cabbage Patch.”

“We’re from a small school in rural PA,” said one of the instigators. “With budgets so tight, we rarely make it to national conferences, so we get our cues from Tweeps. All the Woot-Wooting during previous conference programs painted a picture for us that was very different from reality.”

“We thought the presenter was using this thing they keep calling a ‘shout out,’” said another Pennsylvanian. “Tom Jackson gave one the other night at the opening gala, and we’re hoping he has it in his heart to give us one more.”

Chicago native Oprah Winfrey is reportedly angry at the National Association of Student Personnel Administrators, though executive leadership of the organization refuses to respond to these claims.

NASPA provided delegates, included candidates and employers at The Placement Exchange, with bright blue reusable bags, similar to those available for purchase at big box stores nationally. With almost 4,000 registered delegates for this year’s annual conference in Chicago, NASPA has a visible presence in the city, particularly on the Magnificent Mile, a stretch of Michigan Avenue that is renowned for its high-end retail options.

Winfrey apparently spotted these bags and demanded that her staff locate one for each member of her talk show’s studio audience. Given the number acquired by the NASPA planning team, no bags were available for Winfrey.

“I thought she was going to lose it,” said an unnamed staff member at Harpo Productions, Inc., the company that produces all of Winfrey’s endeavors. “I distracted her with some Oreo cookies.”

“We are aware of the crisis,” said Jason Nomdecker, a representative from the bag vendor. “We’re extremely hopeful to have more available in time for Oprah’s Favorite Things episode.”

NASPA attendees have been advised to keep their bags close to their bodies to avoid having them stolen by Winfrey’s staffers.

Higher Ed Tech Conference 2010: Networking for a Better Tomorrow
February 29, 2010, Maui, Hawaii

Do you spend most of your office time online? Are you surrounded by technophobes at work? Do you need to work on your tan? We have the conference for you!

Pre-Conference Program:
“How to Look Like You’re Doing Work When You’re Really Doing Facebook.”
Learn to download applications that disguise social networking sites so your nosy boss will think you’re working on this year’s learning-outcomes assessment report.

Morning Keynote:
“I used to be a Twit, and now I’m a consultant!”
Motivational speaker and pretty boy Brad Spader tells how he rose from a tenure-rejected professor to a higher ed hero by writing 150 tweets per hour and presenting at every higher ed conference in existence. Brad will be signing his new book, Be Almost as Blond and Good as Me, at lunchtime.

Afternoon Roundtable:
“Networking 2.0”
Bring your Blackberry! We’ll drink coffee, exchange Twitter names, FB friend each other and talk about how lame MySpace is.

Each conference attendee will receive a certificate that says you’ve won a prestigious award for “Progressive Use of Technology to Improve Higher Education” in case your supervisor ever questions the amount of time you spend on AIM.

Make your reservations now. Conference programs are only one day, but we will provide publications that list a 3-day schedule so you can feel free to book extra time for additional “professional development.”