Taking a lesson from the mantra of bitchy high school teachers who invoke the common “You’ll never get into college” threat, professors from across the country have begun to experiment with new varieties of the classic “You’ll never get a job” verbal assaults. Dubbing the threats “Neo-Modern Engagement Techniques,” they seek to engage students with [...]

Computer science major Todd “Java Juice” Edwards started to suspect something was up this week, when his fraternity brothers from Pi Lambda Rho neglected to tell him about an important tradition called “Kegger Fridays.” “I’m not sure anything is wrong,” said Edwards (nicknamed “Java Juice” by his big brother Frank “Frickin’ Dumb Ass” Douman). “After [...]