by Dexter Woodlawn
Freelance Writer

After being left at the altar by the National Association of Student Personnel Association (NASPA), the American College Personnel Association (ACPA) is now stuck going on the planned honeymoon alone, despite a promise from NASPA that they “could remain good friends.”

NASPA recently made the decision to pull out of the associations’ agreement of a 2014 joint conference. Traditionally the joint meeting has taken place every 10 years, but was moved up on the schedule from its original 2017 date in order to coincide with the possible merger of the two organizations. However, earlier this spring the merger was denied by the voting membership of NASPA and the wedding bells stopped ringing.

There are still hopes for a coffee date at the regularly scheduled 2017 Joint Conference, but with NASPA making all the decisions in this break up, ACPA was left with a “we’ll call you” letter (http://www.naspa.org/about/boarddocs/2014.pdf). According to insiders, things just seemed to become too big, too real and happened too fast for NASPA. They need some time to think about it before seeing ACPA again.

The couple reportedly fears that the white cake with white icing would be misconstrued as non-inclusive.

by Brody K. Truce
Senior Staff Writer

Even though the polls have just closed on the proposed consolidation of higher education powerhouse organizations NASPA and ACPA, sources close to the couple say the associations are moving forward with wedding arrangements and have narrowed their cake choices to three possibilities and their prospective flower girls down to a “Final Four” shortlist.

“They’re really struggling to choose a cake flavor,” said Margie Swanson of The Great Plains Cake Company during a phone interview on Friday. “It looks like they’re down to a “Peachy Paterno” ice cream cake, a traditional white cake with white icing and a marble cake with chocolate butter cream frosting.” The couple reportedly fears that the white cake with white icing might be misconstrued as non-inclusive.

Flower girl nominees include:

1. Marcia Baxter-Magolda: [Editor’s note: The CronkNews staff has a collective crush on Dr. Baxter-Magolda and is dying to see her in a yellow chiffon dress.]

2. Julie Park: The couple was reportedly very impressed with her contribution to the ACPA opening ceremony. Dr. Park has allegedly offered to assess the effectiveness of the ceremony if selected.

3. Irma Pelt: Ms. Pelt has reportedly offered to add 100 cases of Boone’s Farm Blue Hawaii to the NASPA dowry if selected.

4. Lindsay Lohan: Theoretically, Ms. Lohan’s presence would detract from the controversy associated with the marriage.

Lindsay Lohan could not be reached for comment, but Irma Pelt had the following to offer via a Twitter interview. “Asking me to be flower girl feels like a patronizing attempt to demonstrate how people will be able to be involved in the MegaOrg…or a cheap way of getting me to show a little leg. Either way, I’m flattered.”

"These so-called higher educators have really cut into our Twitter trending," said Prince Phillip.

Representatives from the British royal family have sent a memo to the boards of two college administration organizations requesting that the National Association of Student Personnel Administrators (NASPA) and the American College Personnel Association (ACPA) put a temporary halt to publicity about their possible union.

“This is an opportunity for us to rebuild the reputation of our monarchical system,” said the leaked memo. “Unfortunately, news of the ACPA/NASPA merger have started to cut into the search engine traffic for royal wedding terms and led to confusion with Twitter hashtags like ‘#unitenow’ and ‘#finallyamarriageforthehistorybooks.’”

College administrator Kate Williams from Middleton Community College urges ACPA and NASPA to disregard the royal request.

“I write a blog for the ACPA Commission on Wellness about the awesome impact of eating enough vegetables in the campus dining hall,” said Williams. “All of the sudden, I’m getting thousands of hits from searches of ‘kate middleton william.’ I’m really educating the whole world about wellness now and I can’t give that up.”

Neither organization has made a formal comment about the royal family or Ms. Williams’ blog.

“The organizations will end their merger vote on April 15,” said an ACPA leader. “The royal wedding takes place on April 29. That will give Prince William and Kate Middleton plenty of time to stir up interest. If they really want to reach a lot of people, perhaps they should consider attending the ’10 Cutting Edge Ways to Publicize Events with Social Media’ session at our convention.”

by Hannah Q. Scott
Freelance Writer

"Jennifer never left the confines of the conference center," said a colleague. "I tried to get her to go shopping with me but she was too stubborn to grow professionally."

Jennifer Lane, a residence hall director in her first year at Savoy College, had her contract terminated upon returning from this year’s National Association of Student Personnel Administrators’ conference (NASPA).

According to Carlos Beals, director of residence life, “Jennifer did not exhibit the type of role modeling behavior that is expected from professionals at Savoy. We saw this behavior from Jennifer at the regional conference in the fall and, sadly, she couldn’t turn it around for the national.”

“All I did was plan out and type up my itinerary for the conference a week in advance, including estimated times for eating, sleeping and showering,” said Lane. “Then I followed it exactly to take advantage of every possible educational opportunity. This is an outrage. I’m 24 and can make my own decisions about what to do. I’m going to call my dad and have him get me an employment lawyer.”

Carmen Resnik, a third-year residence hall director, explained, “What Jennifer doesn’t understand is that conferences are for networking and socializing. She only socialized at open committee meetings or at planned conference events. She went to every single session – even the 7:30 a.m. ones! That’s just ridiculous.”

Director Beals added, “We believe in the transformative power of informal socializing and networking. We’ve tried hard to instill a philosophy that attending every item on the schedule isn’t necessary and we want to impart on future candidates that we’re laid back and cool. Jennifer never fully embraced that philosophy.”

Savoy College’s counsel could not be reached for comment. Upon further investigation, the college’s lawyer was found playing skee-ball at Dave & Buster’s with the vice chancellor of student affairs, who offered, “We’re only using up the tokens I won when I was at NASPA.”

The photo of this horrible human being Nancy Grace is used without permission from http://www.allthingscnn.com/2007/11/debate-fit-nation-and-speedy-recovery.html.

According to leaked documents from the National Association of Student Personnel Administrators (NASPA), famed CNN personality and abrasive former prosecutor Nancy Grace has been put on retainer to create an ironclad prenuptial agreement in NASPA’s predicted union with the American College Personnel Association (ACPA).

“Those assholes at NASPA must have heard that we were in conversations with Gloria Allred to make sure we weren’t being taken advantage of,” said an anonymous ACPA member. “We thought Gloria would level the playing field, but they’ve brought out the meanest bitch in the business.”

“ACPA went lowbrow,” responded a NASPA executive. “Gloria Allred worked with Tiger Woods’ stripper ‘friends.’ She just wants money, which NASPA has been known to have in much larger amounts than its poorer sister organization. We on the other hand sought legal counsel from someone who demands justice. When it comes to honor, score a hole in one for NASPA and a bogey for ACPA.”

Neither organization has confirmed the rumors of alliances with celebrity attorneys but one individual has vocally requested meeting with either client.

“I’m not an actual lawyer,” said actor Corbin Bernsen, “but I single handedly helped countless divorce clients in the 1980s and early 90s. This sounds like a perfect case for Arnie Becker. I don’t know anything about higher education, but NACA said I wasn’t popular enough for their speakers’ showcase and I could really use the work.”