Emma Watson, the brainy class-act of Harry Potter noteriety, enrolled at Brown University this month, ending a year-long battle between Ivy League admissions departments. Conversely, we asked college people from around the country whom they would avoid like H1N1, and we received these results: “Lindsay Lohan. Our department is already understaffed.” -Director of Counseling Services, [...]

Should tour guides walk forwards or backwards? It’s a complicated issue that has perplexed and enraged both educators and the public. Until now, no news company dared confront the issue, but in its August 18, 2009 article, “Colleges Seek to Remake the Campus Tour,” the New York Times cracked the case. We expect verbally violent [...]

University of Washington State University Description UWSU seeks an enthusiastic, motivated individual to attend lots and lots of meetings and work late hours. We really need to improve our retention numbers – particularly with our students from historically underrepresented populations. If you can help us do that, we’d be surprised and pleased, and we will [...]

Mike Hozman, the technical wonderboy who annoyed all of his professors last year in college is now the most popular student in the faculty’s revisionist history. CronkNews reporters recorded the following instructor comments: Last Year: “Mike is the most irritating student I’ve ever met. I can’t stand him.” “He’s arrogant and disruptive in class, and [...]

Funded by a grant from Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown, scientists from Harvard and MIT are looking more closely at the oft-theorized “FERPA Loophole.” Mathematical theorists have studied knot formations in space and nature, but not yet in higher education law. “We’re pioneers in taking on the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act to uncover its [...]

In a new opinion piece published in the Journal of College Administration, psychologist Neil Banner expressed serious concern about college staff who use personality inventories such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) to label themselves as incapable of doing necessary work tasks. “Personality typing was designed to help professionals learn about themselves in relation to [...]

In a shocking revelation this week, thousands of cool college students were exposed as former nerds. Professors are unsure what to think, and colleges are wondering how to address the enraged students and parents who have befriended the disguised geeks. “I guess I never actually asked my roommate if he was a dweeb, but I [...]

A groundbreaking ceremony took place at the University of West Kansas Monday in celebration of what will be a $10 million benchmark – the largest, most expensive benchmark in the United States. “Now, when you’re looking for benchmarks, you will think of Kansas,” boasted Trustee, Al Phillips, who personally donated $2 million to the project. [...]

Mother Madre University Description Immerse yourself in multiple professional organizations and work your ass off. Provide laser-sharp focus to attending conferences and serving on conference-related committees. Become close colleagues with individuals you will see once or twice a year. Perks include lots of travel opportunities and certificates you can hang on your office wall. Don’t [...]

As the world mourns the July 17, 2009 passing of media icon Walter Cronkite, known best for his stoic announcement of John F. Kennedy’s death, college students pause to reflect. Their words sound eerily familiar to those heard for decades following the November, 1963 shooting. “I’ll always remember where I was this week,” said Wisconsin [...]