Emma Watson, the brainy class-act of Harry Potter noteriety, enrolled at Brown University this month, ending a year-long battle between Ivy League admissions departments.

Conversely, we asked college people from around the country whom they would avoid like H1N1, and we received these results:

“Lindsay Lohan. Our department is already understaffed.”
-Director of Counseling Services, MSU

“Lady Gaga. She is a coed in more ways than we wish to accommodate.”
-Housing Operations Manager, IU

“Tim Gunn. He’s a little too empowering in his dean role at the Parsons School. He doesn’t understand that students are no-good sneaky jerks out to make me look bad.”
-Dean of Students, ASU

Given the choice, which celebrity would you least desire at your university? Use the comment box to log your answer.

Should tour guides walk forwards or backwards? It’s a complicated issue that has perplexed and enraged both educators and the public. Until now, no news company dared confront the issue, but in its August 18, 2009 article, “Colleges Seek to Remake the Campus Tour,” the New York Times cracked the case. We expect verbally violent town hall meets to take place soon to allow individuals to voice their passionate feedback.

Even if you have already chosen a side in the forward/backward debate, we recommend reading the article in case–during this time when budgets are so tight–you would like to spend thousands of dollars to hire tour consultants TargetX. They will come to your campus and give you valuable advice about the direction your guides should walk.

Coming Soon: Our article “Anyone Can Be a Consultant.”

University of Washington State University

Description
UWSU seeks an enthusiastic, motivated individual to attend lots and lots of meetings and work late hours. We really need to improve our retention numbers – particularly with our students from historically underrepresented populations. If you can help us do that, we’d be surprised and pleased, and we will add more words to your job title. Successful candidate must enjoy working with students, but probably won’t have time to meet many, so being a self-starter is a requirement.

Requirements
Terminal degree required. Must possess excellent communication skills and a proven commitment to multicultural communication. We’re not quite sure what that means, but it’s important. Supervisory skills are preferred, but since you’ll be so bogged down with writing reports and going to meetings, you probably won’t have time to provide meaningful oversight or mentorship to your staff.

To Apply
Go to our website and fill out the electronic resume forms. We’re from Washington, we frown upon paper waste. Fax all copies of recommendations, transcripts and personal essay to the VP of HR.

Mike Hozman, the technical wonderboy who annoyed all of his professors last year in college is now the most popular student in the faculty’s revisionist history. CronkNews reporters recorded the following instructor comments:

Last Year:

• “Mike is the most irritating student I’ve ever met. I can’t stand him.”

• “He’s arrogant and disruptive in class, and when I try to reason with him he acts like I’m the idiot.”

• “I don’t know how our nitwit admissions officers let students like this through the application process.”

This Year:

• “I always knew Mike’s million-dollar patent idea was a winner. I feel like I really helped him with my mentoring.”

• “Mike was an intellectual rebel. He added a lot of spice to the classroom with his free-spirited banter. If it hadn’t been for my encouragement, maybe Mike wouldn’t have had the courage to pursue his dreams.”

• “We need more students like Mike. His new laptop software is exactly the innovation we want to see from our best students. How on earth our nitwit admissions officers found him is beyond me.”

Congratulations, Kayvon Beykpour and Joe Bernstein! Your professors can’t wait to take credit for your success!

Funded by a grant from Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown, scientists from Harvard and MIT are looking more closely at the oft-theorized “FERPA Loophole.”

Mathematical theorists have studied knot formations in space and nature, but not yet in higher education law. “We’re pioneers in taking on the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act to uncover its mysteries and nuances,” wrote Dr. Pablo Sucinero from MIT in his grant proposal. “We were afraid the NCAA had beaten us to the punch with recent re-uses of the FERPA laws in order to avoid disclosure of misdeeds.”

Faculty and staff colleagues will provide qualitative data to Dr. Sucinero, as they have masterfully used waivers and technicalities to slip through the FERPA Loophole straight from earth. “I didn’t realize it was such a wondrous phenomenon,” admitted Rita Koehlson, Associate Dean of Academics at Fleur du Lac College in Florida. “I’ve found all sorts of ways to blab to parents about their knuckleheaded kids.”

Senator Brown hopes that loosening the FERPA knot will provide more open dialogue with parents of college students, but some parents are not as supportive of the attempts as predicted.

“I sent my son to college so they could deal with his vomit and laziness,” said Shawn Dillster, a lobbyist for Keep FERPA Strong. “I pay plenty of tuition money so I don’t have to hear about it.”

Students surveyed about FERPA indicated the law had nothing to do with them and they couldn’t care less.