Transcript from first-year student Shaun’s conduct hearing with hall director Allison. Shaun chose to bring his roommate, pre-law student Greg, to serve as his advisor.

Allison: Shaun, are you sure you want to have your hearing with Greg? Most students bring a faculty or staff member to serve as an advisor.

Greg: I’m pre-law.

Allison: Oh, I see. You’re a freshman, Greg?

Greg: Misleading the witness!

Allison: I don’t see in the report that you were a witness. Is this your first year at the university?

Greg: Yes. I’m studying pre-law.

Allison: Noted. What classes are you taking right now, Greg?

Greg: Math 101, General Science 101, English Comp 101 and I dropped American History 101 because it was too much reading.

Allison: So, Shaun, let’s get back to the party you allegedly hosted in your room last weekend.

Greg: I object!

President Manners enjoys telling students in his global leadership class that "Remember the Titans" is one of his favorite movies.

Campus Black History Month programs have begun, and white college presidents are passionately supporting the diversity celebrations through the age-old art of story telling.

Inspiring excerpts include:

“…When I was in college, I played varsity squash and there were two black guys on my team. We sometimes rode the bus together, and it taught me that there was no way I could possibly be racist…”
White President of Liberal Arts College

“…and my grandparents were the first people in their town to hire African American employees, which taught me everyone is the same and has the same opportunities as long as I was around to make everything better…”
White President of Public Flagship Institution

“…One of my college roommates was from Jamaica. We were the best of friends. That’s why I’ve started my annual ‘International Lunch Day’ at every campus I’ve worked for. It promotes real dialogue and understanding…”
White President of Metropolitan Arts School

by Irma Pelt
Senior Staff Writer

Cody Spitzer has been pulling all-nighters to cram for his proposal even though he will graduate too early to receive capstone credit.

Recognizing the ever-growing trend of graduating students to be coupled before leaving college, one Mississippi university is hoping to capitalize on the movement by incorporating a Ring By Spring requirement for the class of 2015.

“The pressure to be engaged by graduation was actually greater than the pressure to graduate,” said Krystal Peet, who chaired Loomis College’s Ring By Spring committee. “We’re hoping to improve our graduation rates by capitalizing on the organic movement toward choosing lifelong commitment at age 22.”

The new requirement will replace the previous senior capstone requirement, which involved independent research within a student’s major. The research was then presented at an undergraduate research conference sponsored by the institution and evaluated by faculty members.

“We don’t want to eliminate the public speaking skills portion of the requirement so additional credit is being offered for public proposals and engagement announcements,” said Peet.

Cody Spitzer, a senior at Loomis, thinks the idea is a good one.

“I actually wish they’d implemented this for my class. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m preparing to propose to my girlfriend during Greek Week. I’ve put more time and effort into planning this than I have my capstone project. It would be nice to get some credit for the work I’ve done,” said Spitzer.

The legitimacy of the requirement is being challenged by the Loomis College LGBT student organization, as well as myriad of community groups. According to the university’s legal counsel, a class action suit has been filed against the institution.

“We are aware of a pending legal case. We cannot speak to that issue. However, we can announce that students will receive a discount at BlueNile.com when they enter our special university discount code at checkout,” said Israel Waring, chief lawyer for Loomis.

"She was dressed like a fancy house elf and everyone knows they don't play Quidditch,” said one of the Red Fawkes players.

Team members of the Eastern Phoenix University Quidditch team, the Red Fawkes, were devastated Saturday morning when Alpha Mu Alpha sorority sister Holly Chaffee joined their practice.

Quidditch is a rugby-like game introduced by author J.K. Rowling in her best selling Harry Potter book series. In the books, students use magic to play a rugby-like sport in the air, riding brooms. In recent years, a land-based version of the sport has gained popularity among college students. Last fall the International Quidditch Association hosted the first Quidditch World Cup and rumors persist that the IQA hopes to obtain NCAA recognition for intercollegiate competitions.

“She showed up on the pitch hungover and still dressed up from a costume party at one of the frat houses the night before,” said Amy Wolodarski, who captains the Quidditch team. “She thought we’d been at the party, too, since we were wearing our uniforms.”

“It was the most awesome afterparty I’ve ever been to,” said Chaffee of her morning on the pitch. “There were all these kids chasing each other and galloping around on brooms. They most have been totally smashed. I played lacrosse and field hockey in high school so I immediately fit in. I beat the pants off their goalie like 30 times. He was probably stoned.”

“I think I might quit,” said Andrew Grossman who plays [goal] keeper for the team. “We’ve been practicing for weeks and she just walked in here and humiliated all of us. All of the confidence we’d built thinking we might be ready to play another school was destroyed.”

“I hate her,” said Katie Randolph who recently joined the team. “I thought this was the one place I could be the pretty one on campus. As soon as Holly showed up, all the guys acted like asses. As if!”

“I tried to be nice, but she didn’t even know if she was a Gryffindor or a Hufflepuff!” said Eli Wang with a snort. “If anything, she was dressed like a fancy house elf and everyone knows they don’t play Quidditch.”

“I can’t wait to come back next week,” said Wolodarski. “This was great cardio!”

"I was always a l little more worried about Therese," said her mother. "I tried to help her learn she was special, but now she's just making a fool of herself."

Campus authorities at St. Wesley’s College in Minnesota were put on alert when reports leaked out that sophomore Therese Biegler may have accidentally apologized for a mistake.

According to reports, Therese was meeting with Professor Maggie Chrishnal and told the teacher that she took responsibility for her failure to fully research her thesis and proofread her final paper.

“I immediately called the counseling center and walked Therese there myself,” Professor Chrishnal told campus police. “As soon as I heard her say ‘I’m sorry’ I knew we were in crisis mode.”

“Earlier in my career, students behaved like Therese and we considered it normal,” said a counselor. “Now, we know modesty and appreciation of criticism are clear examples of aberrance.”