Universities have begun sending lobbyists from both academic and financial affairs to Ohio University in hopes of influencing a particularly contentious impending tenure decision. Heated debate surrounds the alleged uncivil behavior of tenure candidate, Bill Reader.

“Every campus gives tenure and promotions to cantankerous egomaniacs,” said one lobbyist from an academic affairs advocacy group. “It’s part of our identity to have at least one abusive asshole in each department. We can put up with insults and harassment if it means we don’t have to deal with conflict. It’s so much nicer to avoid confrontation.”

“It’s also the ethical thing, fiscally,” said an anonymous Vice President of Finance. “These jerks are predisposed to be litigious, and we don’t want to waste students’ precious tuition money on lawsuits. I thought tenure was supposed to be about scholarship, not a popularity contest.”

Physics professors at Swanson University hope to set a new precedent for academic governance by creating two new distinct Physics departments known as “The Old Guard” and “The Whippersnappers.”

“Those new kids, with their innovative teaching techniques and disregard for department traditions are just a pain,” said Evalyn Lovelace, the proposed interim chair of the Old Guard. “They like to laugh, and students love them, but I find them difficult to tolerate. We already have separate tables in the cafeteria, and we don’t sit together in department meetings. Creating separate departments is really just a formality.”

“We’ve never heard of a request like this,” admitted the dean of math and science. “But, I’m surprised it’s taken so long. Maybe this is the new answer to departmental politics.”