Available for Fall Semester
Mother Madre University

In response to recent reports that campus counseling centers nationwide have had a 16% increase in students seeking assistance, Mother Madre University seeks two additional therapists.

The successful candidate will listen to tearful college students who tell tales of drama, psychosis and mild stress. Will offer meaningful, heart-felt feedback and plenty of tissues. Must consider every student issue a life-or-death circumstance.

Qualifications
Must be able to cry on command during staff meetings, family dinners or stressful phone conversations with colleagues. Must consider self the conscience of the campus and fearlessly call other administrators to tell them how to do their jobs.

Requirements
Must take ongoing graduate coursework and use class time as a substitute for self-centric group therapy, regardless of the class topic.

Perks
Generous budget for self-help books. Free meditation fountain and SAD lamp for office. Plenty of mental health days off.

Students at Smoky Mountain College have reported that Professor MacKlenner is a little too emo for her own good lately.

“It started with her telling stories about her divorce during class,” said junior Walter Ahnor, a student in Professor MacKlennor’s History of the Novel seminar. “Now she wants to be Facebook friends so we have to look at her status updates.”

As CronkNews went to print, Dr. MacKlennor’s latest Facebook update said, “The lady behind me at the grocery store made a mean face when I couldn’t figure out the self-checkout. People have feelings, you know!”

“I’m afraid to write anything bad on her teaching eval,” confessed sophomore Sarah Whindisch. “I have to take her Gothic Novels class next semester, and I don’t want to give her anything else to cry about.”