by Con Chapman Lifestyles Editor ST. LOUIS, Mo. As the American Philosophical Association’s annual convention wound down following yesterday’s plenary session, professors from around the country took time off from the presentation of academic papers to focus their analytical skills on less weighty matters. “The bus is leaving for midget wrestling in five minutes, people!” [...]

by Josh Bond On-scene Freelancer The final three days of the 95th annual NASPA conference were cancelled this afternoon after the Starbucks in the conference hotel ran out of coffee. “Given the circumstances, we don’t feel that attendees can achieve an appropriate level of BOLD-ness without caffeine,” said a high ranking anonymous member of the [...]

by Brody Truce Senior Staff Writer                       Follow Brody Truce on Twitter @BrodyTruce

Police interrupted a banquet dinner of the Pacific College Educators Colloquium (PCEC) Saturday night to arrest five of the association’s members. According to officials, the arrests followed a two-year investigation of suspected incest. “We received an anonymous call a couple years ago, telling us that PCEC members had exhibited suspicious behavior at their annual convention,” [...]

by Yremia Johnson Freelance Writer In an effort to make STEM disciplines more accessible to the ignorant and superstitious, the Knees and Toes Medical Academy will join forces with the Animatronic Innovators Inc. to robotize cadavers that will make aggressive gesture towards visitors to the first annual Haunted Medical School. Serious ethical questions have been [...]

  Wallace University business major douchebag Tucker Blake returned last week from a summer-long internship and impressed members of the career services staff with his newfound wisdom and life-awareness. “We had concerns about Tucker’s questionable work ethic and worried he might represent WU poorly in the real world,” said Career Counselor Meghan Hallworth. “As it [...]

 

Staff at Sunshine State University in Boca Raton have enlisted the help of faculty and students in its Theater Arts Department to cast the roles of candidates for internal job searches. “We were at our wit’s end trying to prove to human resources that we hadn’t rigged searches,” said Matthew Pitt, an administrator in religious [...]

After the overwhelming success of the University of Texas’s “Ethics Unwrapped” program featuring ex-lobbyist and convicted felon Jack Abramoff, a world tour is being planned for A-list ethics specialists to extoll wisdom to business and political science students. “Students and faculty at the McCombs School of Business were the perfect test audience for us,” said [...]

The Department of Judicial Conduct at Adams & Lee University has invested in vending machines for its student union where students can conveniently buy justice. “We’re a prestigious college,” said André Kerr, director of judicial conduct. “Forcing students to go out of their way to hire lawyers or get their parents involved in negotiating student [...]