Freshman Pamela Roggins of Sunshine State University in Boca Raton, FL, set a new world record this week by writing her 34,077^th Facebook wall post stating some version of “Facebook is boring.”

Among her famous posts are these masterpieces:

• Yaaaawn. FB is sooooooo stuuuuupid.

• Ppl who use FB all the time are loosers.

• This is so laem. Kewl people don’t do fb anymore, peeps.

• Im going to hold my breth until facebook goes back to it’s old look. Dosn’t matter tho. Fb is stoopid anyways.

Congratulations, Pamela!

by Irma Voigt
Staff Writer

Slacktivism reached an all time in high in January 2010, according to a report released by the National Center for Non-Service Research. Not to be confused with actual activism, slacktivism is the notion that people make a difference through passive means without actually contributing anything of substance to a cause.

Trends indicated an unusual spike in slacktivism in early January, attributed to a Facebook meme encouraging women to post the color of their bras as their statuses.

“I thought it was the New Years resolutioners” said Herman Kimball, founder of the Center. “They’re all inspired to make a difference at the beginning of the year. I never could have anticipated that it would continue to grow.”

After an earthquake rocked the small island nation of Haiti in mid-January, slacktivism numbers again increased, shattering all previous records.

“I couldn’t sit around feeling like I wasn’t helping,” said Ginger Rasphine, a student at Craigley University in Montana.

Rasphine reported that she planted and harvested more than 200 plots of white corn, a limited edition crop offered the popular Facebook application Farmville. To be eligible to access the crop, users donated 25 dollars or more of Farmville cash, a cyber currency earned for attaining new levels within the game.

“I’d been saving up for a mystery box,” Rasphine said, “But this seemed like a better use. I’m glad the people of Haiti will have something to eat now.”

A slacktivism scandal emerged when many discovered that a text message sent to the Red Cross charged a ten dollar donation to their own cellular phone bill rather than donating the money of a celebrity.

“Ten dollars is a lot,” said Taylor Reid, a student at Teakwood College. “My parents pay my cell phone bill and they’re going to be pissed.” Reid said he thought he was donating Wyclef Jean’s money and was more comfortable with that.

“It’s difficult to predict if this trend will continue,” said Kimball. “It really depends on what natural disasters may be coming down the pipe or what memes circulate. I have a lot of hope that 2010 is going to be a big year for slacktivists.”

Administrators at universities across the United States are basking in their own hipness this year as thousands of new Facebook groups have emerged to represent their departments and events.

“The freshmen really think we’re cool,” said James Pollens, director of admissions for Angelica Community College in Utah. “We’ve had over fifteen students join our ‘Proud to be Angelica Angels’ group this summer. Over four hundred of them started their own group called ‘Partying Hell’s Angels’ since then, so we feel like we’ve really helped start a trend instead of following one.”

“We haven’t had any new students join our ‘We Don’t Have to Drink to Have Fun’ group yet,” admitted health counselor Amy Ghelf from Woodwright University, “but we do have about fifteen loyal administrators who joined.”

“It’s only a matter of time,” assures Amy’s supervisor. “Students just love anything that’s on a computer, so we’re confident our healthy message will spread rapidly once the first few find us.”

CronkNews.com has challenged its staff, through manipulation, threats and temper tantrums, to improve social networking. The goal: to attract 100 Twitter followers before Ashton Kutcher recruits 4 million.

Results so far:

Uh oh. Kutcher is closing in on 4 million quicker than we’d hoped. We had 52 followers earlier this week. Apparently, the followers actually wanted quality.

*In related news, we report the following stats:

This is very exciting!

As research shows that the demographics of Facebook users have changed from college students to their parents, the generational divide in modern social awareness has widened.

“I signed up for Facebook so I could stalk my son,” said Mrs. Kratzer from Napa, CA. “When I realized how easy it was to make friends, I was overjoyed. I don’t have a lot of friends, so I clicked on all my son’s, and they accepted me – or so I thought.”

Mrs. Kratzer hasn’t received a single phone call or visit since she added over 500 friends to her Facebook, and other parents report the same occurrence.

“I’ve been really lonely since my only daughter left for college,” said one mom from Louisiana. “I thought this would be an easy way to improve my social life.”

“I’ve heard there’s a site called Friendster,” said Mrs. Kratzer. “Maybe that’s a better option for genuine relationships.”

When asked for a comment, Mrs. Kratzer’s son sighed and shook his head.

CronkNews.com has challenged its staff, through manipulation, threats and temper tantrums, to improve social networking. The goal: to attract 100 Twitter followers before Ashton Kutcher recruits 4 million.

Results so far:

Kutcher seems to be underachieving, with his increase of only 70,000 followers in three days. Let’s get ‘im!

*In related news, we report the following:

Keep up the good work, gang! Keep an eye out for our upcoming staff development newsletter titled “Getting the Big Picture.”

“Our public safety office has always told us to call if we see anything suspicious,” said Agnes Garmo, who was reprimanded this week for making nuisance calls to campus authorities. Garmo, the assistant director of math tutoring at New Macedon College, KY, called three times in one night to report “scary and dangerous behavior by Twitter.”

Agnes loves typing up DOS documents and saving them on floppies.

“Many educators are scared of new technology,” said responding officer Garth Steverman, “but Ms. Garmo went to an inappropriate extreme.”

“I, for one, support Agnes,” said fellow-tutor Vera Wingold. “My supervisor is forcing us to learn to use computers more in our work. Facebook… Twitter… It’s just plain scary! I really think it could be considered workplace harassment and no one is protecting us.”