by Earl J. Liffey
Freelance Writer

Bernie Stelsky, Professor of Western European History at Blanton College, has come up with a truly revolutionary way to go green. Instead of asking students to buy books or print texts from a computer, Bernie is encouraging students to utilize the local resource of booksellers to read.

“One day I was sitting in Barnes & Noble catching up on this month’s Cat Fancy and it just hit me. I’d been there six hours, read MAD Magazine, Fish and Stream and The Source and hadn’t spent a penny or had any environmental cost other than the electricity to run the 4,000 square foot Barnes & Noble and the gas I’d used to drive the 27 miles from my house,” Bernie explained. He added, “I guess I’d count the whole impact of the coffee I made – I brought my own mug from home since their Starbucks is so expensive.”

Bernie realized that he could easily extend the opportunity to save the earth and save money to his students. For his fall semester Western Civilization class, he only assigned books that would be available in quantity at the Barnes & Noble and encouraged his students to go green by reading their books in the store.

Unfortunately, reaction to the project has been mixed. Steven Terry, sophomore Biology major, approved. “I love it. Last week, I grabbed People’s History of the United States and a hardcover book of nude photos and spent four hours reading in the bean bag chairs in the kids’ section. Awesome!”

Chrissy Shook, freshman Pre-Law major, was less than thrilled. “I spilled my cherry Fanta all over the Western Civilization textbook while I was reading about the French Revolution. One of the cashiers saw me and I had to buy the book. That thing costs $127 and it’s boring!”

Asked about the long-term impacts of his changes, Bernie sighed. “Back in the old days, we used to encourage students to buy and keep their books, but who the hell does that anymore? These kids all sell them back the second they get done with the class. And seriously, who reads this crap anyway?”

Chicago native Oprah Winfrey is reportedly angry at the National Association of Student Personnel Administrators, though executive leadership of the organization refuses to respond to these claims.

NASPA provided delegates, included candidates and employers at The Placement Exchange, with bright blue reusable bags, similar to those available for purchase at big box stores nationally. With almost 4,000 registered delegates for this year’s annual conference in Chicago, NASPA has a visible presence in the city, particularly on the Magnificent Mile, a stretch of Michigan Avenue that is renowned for its high-end retail options.

Winfrey apparently spotted these bags and demanded that her staff locate one for each member of her talk show’s studio audience. Given the number acquired by the NASPA planning team, no bags were available for Winfrey.

“I thought she was going to lose it,” said an unnamed staff member at Harpo Productions, Inc., the company that produces all of Winfrey’s endeavors. “I distracted her with some Oreo cookies.”

“We are aware of the crisis,” said Jason Nomdecker, a representative from the bag vendor. “We’re extremely hopeful to have more available in time for Oprah’s Favorite Things episode.”

NASPA attendees have been advised to keep their bags close to their bodies to avoid having them stolen by Winfrey’s staffers.

Immediate Opening
Indianaville University, IN

Description

In an effort to reduce our personnel budget expenditures, Indianaville University seeks to hire several robot professors. This is an accelerated tenure-track position at a student-centered, teaching-centered institution. Will carry double the full-time course load in field of expertise.

Requirements

Terminal degree required. Teaching experience and passion optional. Must have full repertoire of PowerPoint presentations to cover all class hours. Monotone voice required, with special preference given to candidates with thick accents. Fear of student interaction a necessity.

Must be comfortable with students’ recreational use of laptops, iPods, cell phones and other technology in class. In absence of electronic media, must be tolerant of doodling and whispering. Must subscribe to automated homework programs like WebAssign that generate and grade homework assignments.

To Apply

Submit resume, references. No personalized cover letter necessary.

Emma Watson, the brainy class-act of Harry Potter noteriety, enrolled at Brown University this month, ending a year-long battle between Ivy League admissions departments.

Conversely, we asked college people from around the country whom they would avoid like H1N1, and we received these results:

“Lindsay Lohan. Our department is already understaffed.”
-Director of Counseling Services, MSU

“Lady Gaga. She is a coed in more ways than we wish to accommodate.”
-Housing Operations Manager, IU

“Tim Gunn. He’s a little too empowering in his dean role at the Parsons School. He doesn’t understand that students are no-good sneaky jerks out to make me look bad.”
-Dean of Students, ASU

Given the choice, which celebrity would you least desire at your university? Use the comment box to log your answer.