Fortuitously timed after critics’ response to Tufts University’s new policy forbidding residential students from having sexual intercourse with a roommate present, the University has built a state-of-the-art rooftop garden on top of the Tisch Library.

“Why would I want to have sex in my room when I can make out on top of the library?” said one student. “There’s so much room up there, my roommate comes with her boyfriend at the same time.”

“Publicly, we’re winning awards for sustainability and innovation. Privately our students are elated,” said a member of the administration. “It’s really been a win/win.”

“My parents love that I spend so much time at the library,” said another coed. “The stone seats are a little hard, but we’re going to have special memories when we graduate.”