by Dash Phillips Freelance The Board of Trustees at Cracker Barrel College accepted today the recommendation of a Blue Ribbon Multicultural Panel to cancel the annual “Senior Luau” deeming the 75 year old tradition as “culturally insensitive.” Lara Martinson, Professor of Cultural Anthropology and Chair of the Blue Ribbon Panel praised the board’s decision. “The [...]

  Each year, the National College Measuring Service (NCMS) surveys student affairs professionals to assess the issues perceived as needing the most attention. Among the items to choose from are violence on campus, student mental health issues and financial aid. “Despite changes in national trends, the results look remarkably like previous years,” said NCMS analyst [...]

Theo McClellon, Dean of Students at Michigan Southern University, was terminated from his position this week, just a month after receiving Tech U Magazine’s “Twitterer of the Year” award. “We were shocked,” said one of McClellon’s staff member, who asked to remain anonymous. “We’re all scared for our jobs now because we thought he was [...]

Cramer College continues to set trends in address the morale problems discovered in this year’s Chronicle of Higher Education employee satisfaction reports. Last week, the College implemented a new program called Smile Fridays. “Some places have casual Fridays, that let staff dress down once a week,” explained human resources director Abigail Jobes. “At Cramer College, [...]

CronkNews.com has challenged its staff, through manipulation, threats and temper tantrums, to improve social networking. The goal: to attract 100 Twitter followers before Ashton Kutcher recruits 4 million. Results so far: 09/17/09 Competition Start Date 09/19/09 10/03/09 Kutcher Followers 3,548,800 3,621,866 3,754,142 CronkNews Followers 39 47 50 Uh oh. Kutcher is closing in on 4 [...]

Emma Watson, the brainy class-act of Harry Potter noteriety, enrolled at Brown University this month, ending a year-long battle between Ivy League admissions departments. Conversely, we asked college people from around the country whom they would avoid like H1N1, and we received these results: “Lindsay Lohan. Our department is already understaffed.” -Director of Counseling Services, [...]

by Leah Wescott Editor-in-Chief Op Ed When CronkNews went to press this week, Ashton Kutcher had 3,548,800 Twitter Followers and CronkNews had 39. Unacceptable, staffers! Our media team is working its butts off to build readership for our beloved satirical rag, but our Twitter numbers look like s**t. Don’t get me started on our 8 [...]

Mother Madre University Description Immerse yourself in multiple professional organizations and work your ass off. Provide laser-sharp focus to attending conferences and serving on conference-related committees. Become close colleagues with individuals you will see once or twice a year. Perks include lots of travel opportunities and certificates you can hang on your office wall. Don’t [...]

Residents of Gridertown, Wyoming were shocked and sickened Monday morning when they saw Gridertown U’s star quarterback and wide receiver in the front window of Slappy McGee’s Pawn Emporium. Investigators found that GU’s president had hocked the men’s football team for $854,000. Allegedly, after hearing about the creative financing deal in which Greensboro College used [...]

After years of painstaking research, a team of mathematicians from Cal Tech and MIT have found definitive proof that diversity is indeed a number. Sixteen. “We have finally put and end to the ongoing debate between social scientists and real science,” said team leader Hassan Patel, chair of MIT’s Department of Hard Sciences. “Our research [...]