by Irma Pelt
Senior Staff Writer

One candidate showed VPs how to strategically maneuver a 40% increase in capital donations before he was served a peanut butter sandwich on moldy bread.

Over the past two years, Tabeart College has posted more than 300 jobs to various higher education publications and search services, including The Placement Exchange and the Chronicle of Higher Education. Noting this unusually high number for an institution that reports having a combined faculty and staff of just more than 700, an investigation was launched by the Fair Academic Recruiting Team (FART).

“After thorough research, we found Tabeart had only seven actually vacancies during that time period,” said Drew Hoholik, chairperson of FART.

Hoholik found evidence candidates were invited to campus in lieu of the university hiring consultants to provide advice and guidance on major changes to Tabeart’s strategic plan.

“Candidates were asked questions about what programs they would implement if hired, what resources or research they used to guide to their work, and how they assess their work,” said Tabeart. “In sum, none of these questions are out of line or inappropriate, but it’s what Tabeart did with the information that is shocking.”

Every “search committee” at Tabeart was composed of the vice-presidents of the university and, on occasion, the president.

“They took copious notes on the feedback given them by candidates and then used the information to build the strategic plan. None of these people were paid for their work or their intellectual property,” said Hoholik.

Tabeart’s human resources website outlines the university’s candidate travel reimbursement policy. If a job is offered and accepted, the candidate receives full reimbursement. If a job is offered and not accepted, the candidate must encumber the full cost of travel.

“They made the place look so heinous in between these search committee meetings, no one ever accepted a position,” said Hoholik. “Not even that desperate guy who goes to every placement event and has been searching since 1996.”

Hoholik spoke with candidates who reported being taken to IHOP for dinner the night before their interview or were handed a map and told to give themselves a tour of the extensive campus. One candidate reported being given five minutes to make a decision about the offer, during which Rebecca Black’s song “Friday” was played into the phone.

Tabeart’s President, Melissa Stalder, refused to comment as she rushed off to a search committee meeting.

"With the new dress code, I can show that I'm well-rounded with my music tattoo," said one candidate. "AND I can wear my lucky thong!"

by Bitsy Carmichael
Freelance Writer

Institutions of higher education focus on educating students and preparing them for a career beyond the inner sanctum of the classroom, student union and residence halls. Utilizing career services programs and personnel, institutions focus on résumés, interview tips and even professional dress. However, the orientation office at Boxburg University offers an innovative approach to those programs with their new “Wear What You Want” approach to interviewing Orientation Leader candidates.

“In previous years we really worked to emphasize what is appropriate for an interview, even if it is just for a campus leadership position,” said Mitchell Fitzgibbons, director of new student programs at Boxburg. “We spent all sorts of time sharing tips for candidate success only to have several of the applicants show up in jeans. This year, we decided to work with their style and not push them towards conformity.”

Upon observing the recent group interviews at Boxburg it was clear what Fitzgibbons was talking about in terms of not conforming to the norm. Students were not pushed into the uncomfortable role of representing the positive professionals they could be in the future. Students could relax and avoid the painful task of taking a campus interview seriously. The orientation staff at Boxburg sends a positive, practical message of “Why bother? It’s not real life anyway.” Interviewers saw the real candidates: wrinkled shirts, hooker heels, dirty athletic socks, mini-skirts, jeans, and more.

One candidate, Jake, stated he enjoyed the new style because he was able to come right from the gym and not worry about getting dressed like he would have for a “real interview.” Another young woman, Lisa, mentioned she was excited because the new process saved her time, allowing her to get to the club faster by wearing her mini-skirt to the interview.

“Yes, sometimes there is a stain on their shirt, or you can see their underwear through their clothes, but we’re able to see who the candidates really are. It helps us pick a better staff,” says, Gina Winterbourne, assistant director for new student programs. “When a student shows up in a suit we know they are taking the orientation program and themselves way too seriously.”

by Jeremy Sly
Freelance Writer

"My classmates think I should have a master's degree to be successful in higher ed," said Forsmith. "They just don't have the vision or confidence I do."

In a shocking series of events, Graduate Assistant Randy Forsmith has declared himself eligible for the upcoming 2011 Hall Director Draft, choosing to skip his remaining year in a quest for riches and stardom. The Breslin University graduate hall director has been labeled a hot commodity in the student affairs world, but few expected him to declare this early.

“Honestly, I’m shocked,” says his current supervisor and hall director Shelly Mays. “Don’t get me wrong, Randy is wonderful. But he’s only a first-year grad. He really could benefit from another year of graduate school.”

During the two-hour press conference held inside of Granderson Hall’s Multipurpose Room, Forsmith explained the reasoning of his surprising decision, saying “After talking it over with my family, this is the best decision for me. While I had to explain to them again the actual nature of my employment and that I am not just a ‘big boy version’ of an RA, I was able to convey my true desire to leave school early and begin my professional career as soon as possible.”

While his parents were not immediately available for comment, his brother Adam explained, “Um…I mean…he always talks about like, being a dean or something. I thought he meant he just wanted to change his name to Dean. I don’t have any clue what a ‘student affairs’ is. Does that mean, like, you’re sleeping with them? I don’t get it.”

According to the latest Mock Draft, Forsmith is a projected mid-to-late first round pick. Mountain Valley Community College and Triton University, whom are both in strong need of hiring a male hall director, have reportedly been in contact with Forsmith to schedule interviews for the upcoming Placement Exchange national recruitment fair. While many consider Forsmith too young to be considered a full-time director, his astounding statistics speak volumes for his work ethic. Over the course of eight months, Forsmith has supervised over 40 hall council meetings and events, assigned alcohol education classes to over 30 residents, and has made 64 female residents cry during judicial meetings, a Breslin University record.

With the news reaching Forsmith’s residence hall on Thursday, resident assistants held mandatory emergency meetings to discuss the decision with building residents. Though many of the RAs were in disarray the residents had other emotions.

When asked about Forsmith’s departure, Sophomore Elementary Education major Allison Farrington replied, “Who?”

Hanson left an electronic trail of evidence in his ill-fated coup attempt.

by Aloysius St. Bernard
Freelance Writer

In an unexpected move last Thursday, residence hall director candidate John Hanson declared himself the new director of residence life at Peyton Randolph University, ousting Dr. Henry Laurens, who had served the small liberal arts college for twelve years.

The coup marked a symbolic changing of the guard from the aging Baby-Boomers to the technologically-savvy Millennial Generation. Hanson announced his ascendency using the popular micro-blogging service Twitter, which allows users to post brief public messages, known as “tweets” online.

Hanson first posted “I just became Mayor of Boudinot Hall on #foursquare!” as he arrived on campus for his interview. Foursquare, a location-based game, allows users to earn “badges” and titles as they post their various geographic locations on Twitter throughout the day.

Soon, messages about the interview made clear that a transition of power had taken place, first when Hanson changed his username on Twitter from @hansonmybrew to @directorhanson. Cronknews obtained the tweets, from a Twitter widget on his mother’s website. Virginia Hanson updates her own Twitter twice daily with information about what Johnny ate that day, how he’s doing in his classes, inconsiderate things his roommate has done, and transcripts of their thrice-daily phone conversations.

HansonMyBrew: Dude, I am totally rocking this interview. Too bad Captain Greyhair doesn’t seem to know it.

HansonMyBrew: I bet this guy doesn’t even use Twitter. I am going to totally wow him with my ePortfolio.

HansonMyBrew: Dude totally dissed me. Doesn’t want to see my ePortfolio! Hold my jacket, I’m going in!

DirectorHanson: I declare this interview OVER! Locked Capt. Grayhair out of office. He went to see if HR was ready for me.

DirectorHanson: This director chair is pretty flippin’ schweeeet! Who has 2 thumbs and is in charge here now? THIS GUY!

DirectorHanson: GTG, tweeps. I guess HR’s not ready. Looks like I get a tour with campus police instead. L8R!

Hanson would find his directorship short-lived. According to Tom Mifflin, director of university relations for PRU, Hanson was removed from campus, issued a 30-day no trespassing notice, and delivered to the airport for his 6:15 p.m. flight to Newark.

“We were able to remove the subject without incident,” said Mifflin, “and I am glad to report that we did not need to lock down the residence halls or activate other emergency protocols.”

Hanson spent the rest of the day tweeting about how the hall director position just wasn’t a good fit for someone with his experience anyway, and tailoring a new cover letter for residence life directorships at small colleges on the East Coast, as well as director positions in institutional assessment. “I totally rock at assessment.” Hanson explained. “You should see the new Twitter poll on my blog.”

Virginia Hanson couldn’t be prouder of her son’s initiative. “He’s a bright boy,” she bragged. “Sometime soon, he’ll find a position worthy of his immense talent. Until then, he can have his old room back, as long as he can stand me doing his laundry only twice a week.”

by Brody Truce
Senior Staff Writer

For the past three years, seniors at Chestnut View College have struggled to find employment after graduation. The college, which once boasted a 98% post-graduate employment rate, now sees only 60% of its seniors landing jobs—one of the lowest post-graduate placement rates in the country.

Perplexed by the problem, Geraldine Bruce, Director of Career Placement Services, hired prestigious higher education consultant Andrew J. Shuster of Shuster and Associates. Over a three month period, Shuster conducted an extensive review of the college’s curriculum and spoke with over five employers who had recently interviewed Chestnut View seniors.

“Mr. Shuster determined that our curriculum and programs are producing intelligent and competent graduates,” said Bruce. “But their interview outfits are simply not impressing employers.”

“Today’s market is competitive,” explained Shuster. “You can’t just walk into an interview and expect to get a job just because you’re smart. You also have to look better than everyone. That’s really the most important thing.”

Based on Shuster’s study, Chestnut View College immediately enacted a mandatory business attire dress code for all students. “We felt it was important for our students to be comfortable wearing suits and ties from day one. By the time they’re ready to interview, they’ll be able to say that they already have four years of experience wearing a suit,” said Bruce.

The college has built a $500 per semester stipend into student tuition and has opted to partner with Banana Republic, a recognized name in the world of business fashion. Each semester, students will receive a $500 Banana Republic gift card that they’ll be required to spend within the first two days of class. Reactions to the new policy are mixed.

Bryce Landon, a sophomore majoring in economics, seemed annoyed with the policy. “After a week of wearing this suit, I understand why they drink so much on Mad Men. I feel like it’s strangling my individuality. I miss being able to wear my Gap sweatshirts.”

“I’m so excited about this!” declared Britney Ellis, a junior majoring in artistic welding. “I love Banana Republic and I’m sure that one of their khaki skirt suits will help me land a job next year!”

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