Wallace University business major douchebag Tucker Blake returned last week from a summer-long internship and impressed members of the career services staff with his newfound wisdom and life-awareness. “We had concerns about Tucker’s questionable work ethic and worried he might represent WU poorly in the real world,” said Career Counselor Meghan Hallworth. “As it [...]

by Alan Finch Freelance Writer Charles Franklin, a career counselor at Mount Whitney College, is in jail today after an incident involving a student’s mother. According to Mount Whitney’s student newspaper, The Daily Climber, Mr. Franklin and the unidentified woman became embroiled in an altercation after she refused to wait outside during her son’s mock [...]

After whispers of questionable hiring practices surfaced last week at the main office of the Cronk of Higher Education, CronkNews.com was able to obtain a leaked copy of successful candidate Erica Price’s letter of applications. Known as “EricaPriceCronk” on Twitter.com, Price seems to have offered a substantial bribe to editor Leah Wescott in return for [...]

by Erica Price Freelance Writer Administrators at Kentucky Methodist College are on edge this week as they fend off media attention relating to a 2001 search process for a Career Services Coordinator position. Rob Shackleford, 26, held a standing room only press conference in the local OfficeMax break room to disclose his intent to sue [...]

By Irma Pelt Senior Staff Writer After multiple failed searches during the past year, one university is taking a radical approach to the search committee. Laybourne University in Wyoming has eliminated relevant search committees, instead appointing committees of faculty and staff who have no vested interest in the vacant position. “It’s progressive,” said Emma Blake, [...]

Available for Fall Semester Mother Madre University In response to recent reports that campus counseling centers nationwide have had a 16% increase in students seeking assistance, Mother Madre University seeks two additional therapists. The successful candidate will listen to tearful college students who tell tales of drama, psychosis and mild stress. Will offer meaningful, heart-felt [...]

by Irma Voigt Staff Writer Responding to a high volume of complaints during the past three weeks, the Administrators of Colleges and Higher Education (ACHE) issued a statement this morning with talking points for its members who faced the difficult question during winter break of, “What exactly is it that you do?” “This is long [...]

Available Immediately, Several Vacancies Pattensen College, Missouri Description Supervisory-level positions in several departments require new personnel. Would oversee five to thirteen staff members who require constant affirmation and ego stroking. Requirements Must be friendly, patient and able to turn a blind eye to staff performance deficits. Supervisory experience optional. Ability to hold staff accountable for [...]

Immediate Opening Francis Bacon University Description Seeking clearly dysfunctional professional to challenge our administrative executives. Examples of dysfunctions could include verbal abusiveness, egregious incompetence or predilection for explosive temper tantrums. Qualifications Successful candidate will be married to beloved campus professional who might resign if spouse is held accountable for terrible behavior. Perks Consistently poor enough [...]

Submitted by Brody Truce, Staff Writer Spring Opening Penbrooke State University, VA Description The Penbrooke State University Office of Public Safety is currently seeking highly qualified law enforcement professionals—or dudes who like to ride bikes—for an exciting new career in campus safety. Requirements Ability to pedal required. Actual law enforcement experience optional. Clean criminal background [...]