Fortuitously timed after critics’ response to Tufts University’s new policy forbidding residential students from having sexual intercourse with a roommate present, the University has built a state-of-the-art rooftop garden on top of the Tisch Library.

“Why would I want to have sex in my room when I can make out on top of the library?” said one student. “There’s so much room up there, my roommate comes with her boyfriend at the same time.”

“Publicly, we’re winning awards for sustainability and innovation. Privately our students are elated,” said a member of the administration. “It’s really been a win/win.”

“My parents love that I spend so much time at the library,” said another coed. “The stone seats are a little hard, but we’re going to have special memories when we graduate.”

In an attempt to combat the Ivy League reputation of intellectual elitism, Yale University is rumored to have taken bold steps and embraced an equal-opportunity philosophy that includes hiring developmentally challenged administrators. In what many observers see as an indication of the new practice, Yale released its absurdly long Glee-ish admissions video this winter, brazenly showing its appreciation of both slow students and gay smarties.

Behind the scenes, the University has hired developmentally challenged administrators to oversee its state-of-the-art LEED-certified Art & Architecture Building. Their first move was to lock the showers so bike-using commuters could not wash up before work.

“No intelligent person would have spit in the face of LEED sustainability standards,” said an advocate for the developmentally challenged. “But Yale is not afraid to try something new.”

According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, an associate dean in the new building said “the showers wouldn’t be unlocked because there’s no way to lock them from inside to guarantee privacy.”

“Yale may wish to hire a training group for the retarded administrators,” suggested one expert on independent living. “There are actually these things called locks, and those high-tech devices called locks can be put on doors. With proper training, even retards can accomplish basic problem-solving tasks like this.”