Karina shows her lawyers how much more popular she is on Facebook than the students who make concessions.

Attorneys for Grandfield University college student Karina Noone have announced that Noone is suing her campus work study supervisors for violating her civil rights.

Noone claims her position in dining services originally met all of her expectations.

“I was a cashier at the trendy cappuccino bar on campus,” said Noone. “Then they told me I had to help cover shifts at the football stadium’s Dippin’ Dots stand during home games. That is not what I signed up for.”

“Karina was a great employee and we didn’t think she’d react the way she did to the change,” said Director of Dining & Catering Stuart Peters. “I thought I could reason with her, explaining that during our busiest weekends we all make concessions. That’s when she shrieked, pulled out her cell phone and called a lawyer.”

“I was brought up with strong moral values,” said Noone, whose father is a negotiator for the NFL Owners Association and whose mother is a Tea Party activist. “I have never made concessions and I never will.”

“We may have made a huge mistake when we tried to explain to Karina that, technically, our coffee bar is a concession stand,” said Peters. “Now, she’s added defamation of character to her list of charges. Her father says she’s prepared to let the case drag out for years.”

by Brody K. Truce
Senior Staff Writer

"Tenure is important to me," said Parker. "But Angela knows now to make my highlights match the sparkle in my eyes."

Finding the perfect job during a recession is difficult. According to Chloe Parker, a recently hired first year sociology professor at Carter College, finding the perfect hairdresser is even more difficult.

This week, Parker submitted a letter of resignation to the chair of the humanities department citing a spring semester scheduling conflict with her standing hair appointment at Shear Excitement.

“I’ve been with Angela [Parker’s hairdresser] for over five years. We have a standing appointment and she has no other openings in her schedule. It’s almost impossible to find a good hairdresser.”

Parker recently made history as the youngest faculty member ever hired at Carter College. In her resignation, she explained that she had tried to switch the freshman seminar she had been assigned, but that none of her colleagues would trade.

“I made the decision I thought was right for me,” said Parker.

Parker will allegedly moved back in with her parents as she considers her next steps.

“I have a hair appointment next Wednesday and an interview for an adjunct faculty position the following day. I’m sure everything will work out just fine for me.”

"I was always a l little more worried about Therese," said her mother. "I tried to help her learn she was special, but now she's just making a fool of herself."

Campus authorities at St. Wesley’s College in Minnesota were put on alert when reports leaked out that sophomore Therese Biegler may have accidentally apologized for a mistake.

According to reports, Therese was meeting with Professor Maggie Chrishnal and told the teacher that she took responsibility for her failure to fully research her thesis and proofread her final paper.

“I immediately called the counseling center and walked Therese there myself,” Professor Chrishnal told campus police. “As soon as I heard her say ‘I’m sorry’ I knew we were in crisis mode.”

“Earlier in my career, students behaved like Therese and we considered it normal,” said a counselor. “Now, we know modesty and appreciation of criticism are clear examples of aberrance.”

After a months-long crusade, director of counseling services Whitney Crissman has successfully convinced Stowe College to set a new, more positive trend in math education.

“Instead of doing math ‘problems,’” said Crissman, “students will now complete math ‘challenges.’ We counselors are always looking for innovative ways to make academic life more positive, and we found the word ‘problem’ depressing and negative.”

Professors in the department of math and science are slowly adapting to the change. Physics instructor Dr. Melvin Childer explained “We’ve had counselors sit in on our classes to correct us if we accidentally assign homework problems. They say they predict fewer numbers of mental health issues if we make this change, even as national statistics show that psychological issues are on the rise.”

What’s next for the activists?

“We know it’s ambitious,” said Dr. Crissman, “but we hope to change the word homework to homepractice. Work sounds like something difficult or negative. Practice sounds more fun.”

by Erica Price
Freelance Writer

Emergency personnel are being honored today at Central Indiana College for quick aid of an injured student at its annual commencement ceremony. John Sears, 21, is resting comfortably in an undisclosed location after sustaining injuries in a fall from the stage as he was about to accept his degree.

On what should have been a day of pride for the Sears family, Dolores Sears, John’s mother, is being held in police custody for reckless endangerment to her son. Witnesses say that when John’s name was called to receive his degree, Mrs. Sears ran from her seat, jumped on stage, and shoved her son out of the way with a cry of “I did it! I want to thank all the family and friends who helped me! That lazy kid had nothing to do with it! I knew I could do it!”

Long time family friend, Richard Lee, recalls a volatile history for Mrs. Sears.

“I remember Dolores when John played Pop Warner football. She was one tough cookie. She used to suit up in a team uniform ‘just in case she was needed’ at every game, but when she tried to go in his place on the field it was pretty easy to tell it was her,” said Lee.

Lee also said that when John went to high school, there were rumors that Dolores tried to take his driver’s test for him and even tried to take his SAT.

“The SAT proctors figured her out, but we still see John struggling with a three point turn while driving and all of us know why,” said Lee.

John’s college roommate, Hank Shall, said, “John worked really hard to keep his plans after graduation private. His mom declared his business major with a forged signature and was the one who submitted his résumé to that job at State Street Bank. One night after he’d had a few beers at a party he told me that that he’d been taking online classes secretly to prepare for the seminary. Maybe that’s why he started selling all of his stuff toward the end of the semester?”

John Sears is unavailable for comment as his location remains undisclosed.