by Tweed Walters

"We heard she drank the watermelon flavor," said one of Matthews' students. "Everyone knows that 'Punch' is the safest."

Freelance Writer

Angela Matthews was your typical college employee: two dogs, the love of a good book, a pastel Snuggie, and an average daily coffee intake of two gallons. Like many residence life staff members across the country, Matthews looked forward to Thanksgiving as a time to relax with family and prepare to push through the final weeks of the semester.

Between tallying damage reports and budgeting for the next year, however, there was much work to be done before she could leave the office.

Thursday night, Matthews decided to put in extra hours in order to finish as much work as she could to ease her Friday workload. After working all day, she felt particularly run down and walked to the gas station around the block from her office. Once there, the dubious decision was made: it was late, she was tired, what could it hurt….? Matthews bought a Four Loko.

After hearing reports about Four Loko, for the better part of two weeks, Matthews felt the unique combination of energy drink and alcohol might fuel her with a burning fire of productivity. Upon returning to her office, she downed the 23.5 oz. can and groggily thought the fruit-flavored beverage wasn’t worth the hype. After what she guessed to be several hours, she set off for home.

After awaking with a strange pain shooting throughout her body, Matthews was shocked to find a campus maintenance crew surrounding her office. Wondering what could be wrong, she pushed her way through the crowd, amazed to see a gaping hole in the wall of her office. Much to her surprise, she had not locked up when leaving the previous night. Instead, she had thrown her desk through the wall and walked out, dragging loose wires, file folders and computer peripherals halfway across campus.

An investigation is ongoing, but Matthews has already been charged with Destruction of Property. She plans to plead not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.

by Brody K. Truce
Senior Staff Writer

"We intend to set the national benchmark for proper and gratuitous use of the interrobang," said the president of Fountain Hills College in a recent keynote address.

“We were receiving a lot of complaints from faculty about students using too many exclamation points and question marks,” said David Herrera, Vice Provost of Academic Affairs. The complaints led to a joint investigation launched by Academic Affairs and the college’s IT department. The findings were astounding.

“During the 2009 academic year, we found that students, faculty and administrators had used over 2.9 million exclamation points and nearly 1.8 million question marks,” said Herrera. But the flagrant use of punctuation was not limited to students; faculty and administrators were also guilty of overuse, with administrators using nearly twice as much punctuation as faculty and students combined. As a result, administrators are now required to include punctuation in their annual budgets.

“Nobody is going to make a change unless they feel it in their purse,” said Herrera. Beginning in January, Fountain Hills College administrators will be awarded an allotment of punctuation each year. Once exhausted, they will be able to purchase additional exclamation points and question marks at punctuation kiosks conveniently located around campus.

Campus officials are also promoting the use of the interrobang, a virtually unused form of punctuation that combines a question mark and an exclamation point. “There isn’t an interrobang key on the keyboard, so people need to open their Unicode symbols to insert one. Our hope is that this will promote awareness about use of punctuation rather than just mindlessly keying in exclamation points.”

Many administrators expressed outrage at the new policy. Joanie Carmichael, Secretary for Liberal Arts Studies, voiced the following via email earlier this week:

“Why in the world would anyone care about what punctuation I use????? THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!! And what the hell is an interrobang??? It isn’t even on my keyboard!!!”

Fountain Hills College is reportedly also looking into excessive use of capital letters for next year’s campus policy handbook.

Fortuitously timed after critics’ response to Tufts University’s new policy forbidding residential students from having sexual intercourse with a roommate present, the University has built a state-of-the-art rooftop garden on top of the Tisch Library.

“Why would I want to have sex in my room when I can make out on top of the library?” said one student. “There’s so much room up there, my roommate comes with her boyfriend at the same time.”

“Publicly, we’re winning awards for sustainability and innovation. Privately our students are elated,” said a member of the administration. “It’s really been a win/win.”

“My parents love that I spend so much time at the library,” said another coed. “The stone seats are a little hard, but we’re going to have special memories when we graduate.”

Starting next week, students at the North Dakota College of Pre Med will enforce its new safety-related “No Pants, No Underwear” dress code.

“We read about the controversial new ban on face coverings at the Massachusetts College of Pharmacy and Health Science and we knew we could take things to the next level,” said chief of campus security Abdul Nural. “We learned from the attempted bombing on Christmas day that people can hide all kinds of dangerous things in their underpants. ‘Not on my watch!’ is what I say.”

“Just like the students at the Massachusetts school, our students will be expected to follow our dress code in all college related activities, including classes and off-campus internships,” explained campus judicial affairs director Selma DiPietro. “We will allow winter boots and warm socks, obviously. Any other clothing under the waist will be considered a violation.”

“Students and parents are always resistant to change, but we know they’ll eventually see that the no-pants rule is for their safety,” said dean of students Joshua Pominville. “In order to protect the community and its dignity, citizens must make sacrifices.”

“I love the policy,” said Doug Hescht, professor of social justice. “In addition to bombs, students could have been hiding crib notes or electronic devices to help them cheat on tests. The no-pants policy will help protect our academic integrity as well as our safety.”

by Brody Truce
Staff Writer

This week, Fountain Hills College administrators released the first ever “Policy on Policies” in their newly published 2010 student policy handbook. Dr. Bonnie Mendoza, Dean of Students, is especially proud of the College’s new policy.

“We found that some students weren’t taking all of our policies seriously. We believe that our ‘Policy on Policies’ affirms that all 379 of our college policies are equally important for creating a healthy campus learning environment.”

Known as “the bible” by students, Fountain Hills College boasts the largest student policy handbook in North America. The 248-page policy handbook is available in digital and paper formats, as well as an embossed, leather-bound edition for college employees and student leaders.

Dr. Mendoza plans to kick off the release of the new student handbook with a “Policy Carnival,” an event she describes as a light-hearted way for students to learn about new policies. “We’re very excited about our Policy on Policies, but we don’t want our other new policies to get lost in the shuffle.” The carnival will feature game booths designed to reinforce new college policies, such as:

“Peanut Panic Policy” Penny Pitch

“Gum Chewing Disposal Policy” Trashcan Toss

“Personal Hygiene Policy” Dunk Tank

“Unflushed Toilet Policy” Apple Bob

Each student received a formal invitation to the carnival via email, which included a reminder of the College’s mandatory attendance policy for all events sponsored by the Dean of Students Office.

“We’re looking forward to a big turnout this year!” exclaimed Mendoza.