Alumni from Flanders University made a special nostalgia tour upon their return to campus for their 20th class reunion. More than 40 former students visited Magnifica Hall to pay tribute to the penis-shaped carpet stain in the fourth floor study lounge. “I remember when Curtis spilled his rum & Coke on the floor of the [...]

The Department of Judicial Conduct at Adams & Lee University has invested in vending machines for its student union where students can conveniently buy justice. “We’re a prestigious college,” said André Kerr, director of judicial conduct. “Forcing students to go out of their way to hire lawyers or get their parents involved in negotiating student [...]

by Sasha Tremento Freelance Writer Amanda Chen, recently elected student representative to the Southwest State University Board of Regents, launched a hostile takeover of the board yesterday, declaring, “Enough of this touchy-feely student-centered crap. It’s time we bring some metrics and some hard-assed accountability to this flakey operation.” The student regent seat has long been [...]

by Brody Truce Senior Staff Writer After nearly 35 years of service, Myrtle White was dismissed from her position as residence hall custodian on grounds of incivility towards students on the third floor of Watson Hall, a co-ed floor housing 42 students at Eastern Maryland College. According to residents of the floor, Miss White—lovingly referred [...]

By Brody Truce Senior Staff Writer This year, Cancun’s Playa Platino resort was the destination of choice for many students at Chestnut View College, an elite liberal arts college in New Hampshire. “We are having a totally awesome time,” exclaimed Buffy Billingsley, a first year student at Chestnut View. “All of the girls on my [...]

by Irma Voigt Senior Staff Writer Students at Bokhart College in Maine are refusing to leave their residence halls for the school’s spring break. Director of Residence Life Lisa Griffiths said that residence staff was taken by surprise when they entered rooms to do closing inspections on Saturday afternoon. “We thought the first few rooms [...]

In response to a recent Inside Higher Ed article about American students’ expectation of receiving high grades for sub-par work, some for-profit universities see an opportunity to provide a higher level of customer service than their non-profit competitors. “We have designed a graduated tuition structure,” explained Dr. Robby Leach, president of Colton College, a new [...]

Quinn “Q-Bee” Benton, quarterback of the Arkansas Liberal Arts Acorns, forgot that he was actually a nobody this week when he wasn’t moved to the front of the seating line at Waffle House. “It was French Toast Friday, so we had a large crowd that night,” said Waffle House manager Roscoe Prodkin. “All of the [...]

Trustees from over thirty liberal arts colleges met last week to discuss forming a private consortium aiming to advocate for American rich kids. Details about the meeting have not been released, but the group, calling themselves the “No Rich Kid Left Behind Posse” have leaked key details to the press. According to insiders, rich kids [...]

By Brody Truce Staff Writer College sophomores have always been a high-risk group for boredom and melancholy, but  recent activity at Chestnut View College has counselors concerned. “It all started with Trudy Tifton’s post on the ‘F My Life’ website,” said Dr. Jada Voslinger. My parents bought me a red Mercedes for my birthday.  I [...]