Billy Grainger, a third-year business student at Harvard, thinks he has the key to winning the famous Ivy League Biz-Off for aspiring entrepreneurs.

“It seems the the market is saturated with sweatshirts from Princeton and Harvard. I see them everywhere, from high schools to state colleges,” said Grainger in the mock business plan he submitted to the Biz-Off judging panel. “I see an enormous untapped market for community college shirts. Not a single one of my friends owns one, but they’re actually less expensive than the Ivy League apparel. I just don’t think kids know about these amazing bargains.”

Judges will consider Grainger’s plan, along with the entries from over 100 other competitors. This is Billy’s third time in the contest. Last year, his idea “Let’s Brand the Detroit Lions and LA Clippers as America’s New Teams” failed to place in the top 99.

Funded by a grant from Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown, scientists from Harvard and MIT are looking more closely at the oft-theorized “FERPA Loophole.”

Mathematical theorists have studied knot formations in space and nature, but not yet in higher education law. “We’re pioneers in taking on the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act to uncover its mysteries and nuances,” wrote Dr. Pablo Sucinero from MIT in his grant proposal. “We were afraid the NCAA had beaten us to the punch with recent re-uses of the FERPA laws in order to avoid disclosure of misdeeds.”

Faculty and staff colleagues will provide qualitative data to Dr. Sucinero, as they have masterfully used waivers and technicalities to slip through the FERPA Loophole straight from earth. “I didn’t realize it was such a wondrous phenomenon,” admitted Rita Koehlson, Associate Dean of Academics at Fleur du Lac College in Florida. “I’ve found all sorts of ways to blab to parents about their knuckleheaded kids.”

Senator Brown hopes that loosening the FERPA knot will provide more open dialogue with parents of college students, but some parents are not as supportive of the attempts as predicted.

“I sent my son to college so they could deal with his vomit and laziness,” said Shawn Dillster, a lobbyist for Keep FERPA Strong. “I pay plenty of tuition money so I don’t have to hear about it.”

Students surveyed about FERPA indicated the law had nothing to do with them and they couldn’t care less.

The Women’s Center staff at Adams & Lee University have issued a memo to other feminist organizations throughout the country asking for a boycott of educational programs involving the Baby Safe Haven movement. “We feel completely duped,” said Women’s Center director Lynn Mariana. “The Baby Save Haven organization does incredible work, saving the lives of children, so we naturally expected a guest speaker who looks more like a feminist. Their representative Renee Marcou is not only pretty but blond.”

Mike and Jean Morrisey, co-founders of Baby Safe Haven, are unsure how to proceed. “We hired someone talented and competent, but we didn’t realize feminism had such strict definitions. We never meant to be insensitive. We just want to promote safe places for helpless babies. We deeply apologize for our flawed screening process, and we will work closely with college feminists to strategize for future events.

Josie Schwab, president of the National Femme Feminists, thinks there may be some middle ground for both the Morriseys and university women’s centers. “Former beauty pageant winner Sarah Palin has learned to put her hair in a bun and wear glasses. Look what a classy feminist role model she is now. There are lessons to be learned here.”

As the world mourns the July 17, 2009 passing of media icon Walter Cronkite, known best for his stoic announcement of John F. Kennedy’s death, college students pause to reflect. Their words sound eerily familiar to those heard for decades following the November, 1963 shooting.

“I’ll always remember where I was this week,” said Wisconsin Music Academy senior Jodie Dewson, “when I heard Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson.”

Sources who wish to remain anonymous claim they heard two MBA students from a prestigious institution having an honest conversation over mocha lattés at Starbucks. The unidentified listeners recorded the following conversation:

MBA Student 1: Did you see in the Wall Street Journal that a Rutgers professor named Donald L. McCabe has done almost twenty years of research and found that those in business school cheat more than those in other disciplines? I’m nervous.

MBA Student 2: Yes, I did. Me, too.

Voice analysts scrutinized the recording and confirmed that both students were honest in this exchange.