"I was always a l little more worried about Therese," said her mother. "I tried to help her learn she was special, but now she's just making a fool of herself."

Campus authorities at St. Wesley’s College in Minnesota were put on alert when reports leaked out that sophomore Therese Biegler may have accidentally apologized for a mistake.

According to reports, Therese was meeting with Professor Maggie Chrishnal and told the teacher that she took responsibility for her failure to fully research her thesis and proofread her final paper.

“I immediately called the counseling center and walked Therese there myself,” Professor Chrishnal told campus police. “As soon as I heard her say ‘I’m sorry’ I knew we were in crisis mode.”

“Earlier in my career, students behaved like Therese and we considered it normal,” said a counselor. “Now, we know modesty and appreciation of criticism are clear examples of aberrance.”

by Irma Pelt
Senior Staff Writer

Faced with cutting faculty and staff positions as a result of budget cuts, Melissa Olivares, human resources representative at Hardy University, attempted to bring levity to the termination process.

“With all due respect, Melissa came to human resources after several years of working in student activities,” said Mitchell Bealor, Director of Human Resources at Hardy. “Perhaps our expectations and outcomes were not clearly outlined for her.”

According to a complaint filed with the university ombuds office, Olivares planned a surprise party for Garrett Foerster, a faculty member in the department of restaurant and hotel management, whose position was eliminated.

“The surprise party itself wasn’t the problem,” said Bealor. “Everyone loves a party, right? The real issue is that Garrett wasn’t informed of his termination prior to the party.”

“What the hell?” said Foerster. “I got an invitation to have lunch with my supervisor. I thought it was going to be my annual performance appraisal, but it was like a Hardy edition of ‘This is Your Life.’”

Foerster said that all of his faculty colleagues were present at the event, which was replete with streamers, balloons and a sheet cake.

“It would have been a great farewell party except for the part where I didn’t know I was being terminated – but my colleagues all did,” said Foerster. “Even my wife and kids were there.”

Bealor said that Olivares’s actions are under review by the department, but he is not sure she will face corrective action.

“I think that, despite some obvious flaws in this plan, Melissa is forward thinking. This set up eliminates that awkward individual meeting with an outgoing employee and sets us up to celebrate what they accomplished while they were here,” said Bealor.

Olivares issued an apology to Foerster and twenty-nine other employees who were terminated under similar circumstances.

“I guess I see where I made some mistakes,” said Olivares. “I wanted these employees’ last impressions of Hardy to be positive and what’s more positive than really good party? I think the balloon arch was especially a nice touch, kind of like when an animal crosses the Rainbow Bridge.”

Adams & Lee University has reinvented the work study job. In response to government pressure to address concerns that need-based student work study funds have not been used, the university tapped its creativity.

“Our students are better than the cafeteria jobs they’ve been offered, and they know it,” said financial aid director Lamar Whardon. “They shouldn’t have to get their hands dirty or smell like grease.”

Adams & Lee now offers a variety of new positions for students. Some of the jobs listed on their employment website include the following:

• Student Assistant, President’s Office

30 student worker desks have been added to the president’s office suite so students can file paperwork and earn a recommendation letter with a presidential seal.

• Sauna Supervisor, College Athletic Center

Job Description: Ensure the steam temperature and sauna climate is optimal for student use. Maintain positive communication with the poor people who clean up the sauna after you sweat all over the benches.

• Affirmation Tester, Counseling Services Department

Job Description: Allow counselors to practice unconditional positive regard on you and permit the therapists to collect condescending feedback to help them grow as professionals.

“We supplement the pay for each job, so no one at Adams & Lee makes minimum wage,” says career development counselor Rubie Plum. “We need our students to practice demanding the best so they are as competitive as possible in the career marketplace.”

“I can’t believe students at other colleges work in the dining hall,” said one satisfied student. “I need to make studying for my degree in social justice a priority. I couldn’t handle the anxiety of working in a menial, humiliating job, too.”

In what was first thought a tragic mauling incident in the College of Ignatius zoology labs, investigators are now seriously considering the possibility of a rare case of egogurgitation.

“It appears that Professor H. Glenn Marks was engulfed by a student’s enormous ego,” said Crooks County forensic examiner Bucky Chalk. “The last person who saw Dr. Marks said he was talking to a grad student who refused to accept advice from the professor. According to the videos we retrieved from the zoology lab, the student kept saying, ‘I know, I know’ and rolling her eyes at the world-renowned scientist.”

Police say the student currently suspected has been extremely cooperative.

“Most students are nervous or suspicious when a uniformed officer knocks on the door,” said one officer, “but when we explained that she was a ‘person of interest’ in this case, the student seemed flattered.”

“Well, of course,” said the student’s mother. “I raised the most interesting child I know, and I’m sure she told you she went to the best college. She’s very mature, but I think she would have been disappointed if she hadn’t made the ‘most interesting’ list.”

The student, who has not been named, was unavailable for an interview. Roommates said she was out looking for a new suit for her investigation interview.

“I’m sad, but not surprised,” said a fellow-zoology professor. “That particular student was a high-performing undergraduate, and she entered our program with claims that she’s never made a mistake. From her comments in class about her countless accomplishments, we probably should have watched her for signs of egogurgitating. I’d noticed her swelled head once in class, but never followed up.”

by Irma Pelt
Senior Staff Writer

"We were stunned at the generosity of our students," said Lamphier. "Some even gave quarters, which is a really big deal."

Several student organizations at Bottega College went all out to combine efforts this week to raise money for ongoing relief efforts in the wake of January’s earthquake in Haiti.

Representatives from Education Without Borders, Students Offering Support, and Canadians at Bottega came together to plan the fundraiser. Pooling their financial resources from their organizational budgets, the groups planned a semi-formal evening that included a dinner followed by a dance hosted by a local radio station DJ. Tickets for the dinner were sold through dining services, though the dinner was catered by Bistro Italiano, and cost $3 per person. Entrance to the dance was a suggested donation of $2 per person. Students who attended received a commemorative Help for Haiti can koozie.

“We put a lot of time and effort into this,” said Quinn Rogers, treasurer of Canadians at Bottega. “It’s something we all care about a lot so we spared no expense in raising money.”

After spending $700 on the evening’s events, the groups brought in a total of $89.

“Obviously running a deficit of $611 is not ideal for a fundraiser, but they met the learning outcomes we have for our student leaders so it’s a victory. We can work on the fundraising piece next time,” said Heidi Lamphier, Assistant Director of Registered Student Organizations at Bottega. “As long as everyone is learning something, it’s all good. Earning a profit at an event like this actually sounds distasteful when you think about it.”