by Hannah Q. Scott
Freelance Writer

The former soft drink stand at the campus football field will be converted into a shop for hemp bracelets and herbal oils.

Some colleges have removed Coca-Cola products from dining halls, others have stopped selling big-name sportswear in student stores, but Stanley College has taken these moves to a whole new level.

After divesting from all investments in South Africa during the fight against apartheid in the mid 1980s, and removing Coca-Cola products from all campus venues in the mid-1990s, Stanley is now moving to a new era of a completely anti-corporate existence.

The first major step in the corporate cleansing has been to eliminate all commercial soda machines from campus. According to Director of Dining Services Susan Matthias, “The College has replaced all machines with those new soda stream soda makers that allow you to make your own carbonated beverages.”

Associate Director of Facilities for Environmental Initiatives Larry Foley says, “Not only are we no longer giving RC Cola and Polar Beverages our dollars but students must use their own washable container, so we are continuing our move towards a totally carbon-neutral and sustainable campus.”

Stanley College has also stopped providing vans for student use, hoping to no longer provide gas companies with college money and eliminating their reliance on giant automakers. As Foley says, “Hopefully our students will continue to use non-polluting and non-corporate ways to get around, such as walking and biking on student-made bamboo bikes.”

The college has decided that corporations such as Apple and Dell make too much money off the college market and has thus banned their products on campus.

Assistant Director of Student Affairs for Civility Issues Paula Garten says, “This move will help students actually connect to each other once again instead of relying on corporate-made, money-costing communications tools.”

Three years ago, Stanley participated in “A Laptop for Every Student” which gave all incoming freshmen a free MacBook, and now the college is taking those computers back and asking students to write papers longhand.

When questioned about the environmental impact of only using notebook paper for assignments, Foley said, “We had to make a decision about the corporate presence on campus and the gains from the soda stream machines ought to offset the losses in no longer using electronic communication.”

Director of Admissions Caroline Graves summed up these new moves, saying, “We are hoping to attract a very specific set of students who are uninterested in giving money to big business and instead hope to return to a simpler time. We are especially interested in recruiting students who have experience in organic gardening and weaving hemp clothing.”

by David Anthony
Freelance Writer

Practical tips to shave waste from institutional budgets.

In this struggling economy, fraught with tenuous financial and budgetary situations, multiple institutions of higher education face critical cuts to student services such as student extracurricular activities and more specifically to holiday related spending.

However, after a tour of some of the most prosperous colleges and universities nationwide, this reporter brings some of the best tips for converting your campus’s bottom line from red to black.

Tip#1 Consider Poaching your Campus Christmas Tree
Courtesy of Mount Vermont University, Montpelier, VT

Dean of Students Samuel Hearth of MVU explained, “We were able to cut costs enormously this year when we decided to ‘reappropriate’ a critical campus resource from our generous neighbors.” When asked how he was able to convince the surrounding community to donate a 100-year-old spruce to the college he grinned. “Sometimes the cold dead nights of New England are your best ally,” said Hearth as he donned his ski mask and slunk into the inky blackness.

Tip #2 Incandescent Bulbs Find New Life
Courtesy of Weis Andover Academy, Albany, NY

Director of Facilities Jonathan Swipe spearheaded a movement earlier this year to replace all campus incandescent bulbs with energy saving LED lights. “Great idea, I originally thought,” said Swipe. “That is until I was up to my eyeballs in these old 60 watts.” Swipe provided his interview while standing inside a bin of now-dormant lights. “That’s when I thought: reduce, reuse and RECYCLE! I went down to physical plant, found some old wiring and started putting two and two together.” Swipe spoke excitedly as he led interviewers to thousands of incandescent lights hanging precariously from pre-war electrical cables. “At night they’re even more lovely – especially the sparks.”

Tip#3 Create Your Own Proprietary Holiday
Courtesy of Perth College of Sciences, Los Angeles, CA

Student Union Director Nancy Calloway stated, “When this season rolls around everyone seems to be getting funding: Christian Fellowship gets Christmas funding, Hillel gets Hanukah funding, Black Student Union gets Kwanzaa funding – when are we going to get a slice of the cake?”

“That’s when we decided to start ‘Chrismahanukwanzadon,’ the happiest 30-day tax deductible holiday on the planet!” said Calloway as she leaned against her student union’s brand new 60” flat screen television. “It’s ingenious. The administration is so scared of not supporting minority cultures on campus that they’ll throw money at anything they think they missed.”

When pressed for more information about Chrismahanukwanzadon, Calloway stated, “Simply put, the holiday is a celebration of people as immortal beings who must undergo spiritual rehabilitation through auditing, which is a practice of removing body thetans from the blood stream. I can explain better if I hook you up this meter and…” Calloway paused as this reporter slowly backed off and ran away.

As colleges and universities nationwide prepare to close at the end of another calendar year we can rest easy in the fact that several institutions have undertaken ingenious cost cutting measures that will ensure the survival of their budgets until the next fiscal quarter.

by Joann Richards
Freelance Writer

In a bold move, Binelli College in Wisconsin has taken their sustainability initiatives to another level by moving toward a speechless lecture format.

Artie Finkleman, president of Binelli College, is proud of this new direction, stating, “After hearing a story on National Public Radio about bookless libraries at Stanford University, our board of trustees insisted that we find ways to do more with less. We’ve taken that a step further and have adopted the sustainability platform of ‘Less is More.’ In an attempt to eliminate waste, we feel that this trend-setting approach to course delivery will help achieve our goal of a negative carbon-footprint.”

These initiatives are paying off. Xenobia Walters, Director of Plant Services, states, “It’s amazing the changes we’ve seen in our utility consumption. The reduction in hot air generated by faculty alone is projected to cut our cooling and power bills by two-thirds.”

Initially, the Binelli Student Government had concerns about this new approach to learning. However, after the student pass rate from the pilot study skyrocketed to 97%, BSG overwhelmingly passed a resolution in support of the program and encouraged the administration to pursue other similar approaches. Since the resolution, Binelli has instituted a weight-less fitness center, and desk-free classrooms. Additional consideration is being given to creating foodless dining halls in an attempt to advance the wellness initiatives of the campus.

Stacy Dunkleman, provost and vice president for academic affairs, discussed the academic validity of the new approach. “There is research support for this new program. The U.S. Military conducted extensive training and testing of paranormal military programs and psychological techniques for use as interrogation techniques. Utilizing this skill for something other than staring at goats may prove beneficial for knowledge transmission and assessment of student learning outcomes.”

This new program also has paid off for recruitment. Brisben Alexander, a student starting at Binelli this fall, is excited about the new approach. “I’m hoping this will be just like the legilimency skill I read about in Harry Potter. Being able to connect with my professor’s mind – imagine how prepared I’ll be for those exams. This is gonna be GREAT!”

In a related story, Binelli College is up for reaccreditation in twelve months.

Fortuitously timed after critics’ response to Tufts University’s new policy forbidding residential students from having sexual intercourse with a roommate present, the University has built a state-of-the-art rooftop garden on top of the Tisch Library.

“Why would I want to have sex in my room when I can make out on top of the library?” said one student. “There’s so much room up there, my roommate comes with her boyfriend at the same time.”

“Publicly, we’re winning awards for sustainability and innovation. Privately our students are elated,” said a member of the administration. “It’s really been a win/win.”

“My parents love that I spend so much time at the library,” said another coed. “The stone seats are a little hard, but we’re going to have special memories when we graduate.”

In an attempt to combat the Ivy League reputation of intellectual elitism, Yale University is rumored to have taken bold steps and embraced an equal-opportunity philosophy that includes hiring developmentally challenged administrators. In what many observers see as an indication of the new practice, Yale released its absurdly long Glee-ish admissions video this winter, brazenly showing its appreciation of both slow students and gay smarties.

Behind the scenes, the University has hired developmentally challenged administrators to oversee its state-of-the-art LEED-certified Art & Architecture Building. Their first move was to lock the showers so bike-using commuters could not wash up before work.

“No intelligent person would have spit in the face of LEED sustainability standards,” said an advocate for the developmentally challenged. “But Yale is not afraid to try something new.”

According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, an associate dean in the new building said “the showers wouldn’t be unlocked because there’s no way to lock them from inside to guarantee privacy.”

“Yale may wish to hire a training group for the retarded administrators,” suggested one expert on independent living. “There are actually these things called locks, and those high-tech devices called locks can be put on doors. With proper training, even retards can accomplish basic problem-solving tasks like this.”