Doctors have finally verified claims that the College of Madison performed the fastest soulectomy in higher education history. “We couldn’t believe the soulectomy could be completed in less than two days,” said Dr. Rachel O’Quinn. “But all evidence points to verification.” According to the medical records, Dr. Juliette Mecum arrived for her first day of [...]

Inspired by the new all-star selection process in the National Hockey League, faculty at Landry College have voted to adopt a draft-style promotion process. Prior to the change, faculty were put through a rigorous selection process that included an extensive evaluation of their scholarship and teaching evaluations. Committees spent hours in emotionally and intellectually grueling [...]

Personal Protection (within campus perimeter only) Date: 2010-03-14, 11:28AM EST Reply to: mailto:job-cronk-8037179008@craigslist.org Are you administrators tired of having your ideas and initiatives shot down because you don’t get any respect? Do you live in fear of being fired for doing the right thing? Sick of job instability because you work on a year-to-year contract? [...]

by Erica Price Freelance Writer Geography professor Jake Gildenhauf is relieved tonight after resolution to one of the most controversial tenure review processes in Shiver State College history. Trustees of SSC cast their votes on this professor’s tenure status with equal votes for and against. The typical tiebreaker, the chairperson of the Board, had recused [...]

by Anselmo Watkins Freelance Writer In his six years at the Terra Nova University, Professor of Sociology Phil Dunston has twice been voted professor of the year by his students. His 2008 book on the sociological aspects of youth football among the children of Pennsylvania coal miners, Blocking the Mine, is in its third printing. [...]

by K-FOAG Freelance Writer In these dog-eat-dog economic times, tenure is becoming an increasingly rare option for academic hopefuls. As a coveted job-security status, tenure has represented a holy grail for professorial types who are subsequently able to replace introductory course teaching with rarefied personal projects. However, for quality control purposes, tenure is only granted [...]

by Sasha Tremento Freelance Writer In what Barston College President Myron Pilsney calls a “win-win solution,” cutting costs but maintaining faculty morale, the college is promoting professors granted tenure directly to emeritus status. “It addresses the fiscal climate,” he told an uncharacteristically quiet faculty senate yesterday, “while maintaining morale. Tenure-track assistant professors have worked very [...]

Greg Dierstein, a freshman in Professor Romano’s literature seminar in 1993, woke up at 3:00 a.m. last night with an enlightened revelation. “I think Dr. Romano was right when he said reading and writing are really important in the real world,” said Greg. “I’m going to start using spellcheck so I can get that promotion [...]

Universities have begun sending lobbyists from both academic and financial affairs to Ohio University in hopes of influencing a particularly contentious impending tenure decision. Heated debate surrounds the alleged uncivil behavior of tenure candidate, Bill Reader. “Every campus gives tenure and promotions to cantankerous egomaniacs,” said one lobbyist from an academic affairs advocacy group. “It’s [...]

In a stunning move, Lime County College, CA voted to abandon a 125-year tradition of tenure in order to implement a new system that involves granting professors a stack of Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards. “We found traditional tenure practices tiresome,” said faculty chair Moses Stanley. “If I have to read another thick stack of portfolio materials, I [...]