The Cronk of Higher Education
  • Home
  • About
    • Mission
    • Staff
    • In the News
  • Publishing Guidelines
    • Writing Resources for Fake Journalists
  • Archives
  • Merchandise
  • Hire Us
    • Hire Leah
    • Hire Irma
    • Hire Brody
  • It’s a Book!
  • CronkNews Book Challenge
    • Level 1 – High School Diploma
    • Level 2 – The Associate’s Degree
    • Level 3 – The Bachelor’s Degree
    • Level 4 – The Master’s Degree
    • Level 5 – The Cronktorate
    • Level 6 – Tenure Track
  • Press Resources
  • Subscribe
  • National Satire Month
  • We’re Hiring!

University Performs Fastest Soulectomy on Record

Posted on Thursday, March 3rd 2011
Tags: expectations, tenure, track
University Performs Fastest Soulectomy on Record
Doctors have finally verified claims that the College of Madison performed the fastest soulectomy in higher education history. “We couldn’t believe the soulectomy could be completed in less than two days,” said Dr. Rachel O’Quinn. “But all evidence points to verification.” According to the medical records, Dr. Juliette Mecum arrived for her first day of [...]

Faculty Institutes NHL-Inspired Promotion Process

Posted on Monday, January 31st 2011
Tags: decisions, practices, promotion, selection, tenure
Faculty Institutes NHL-Inspired Promotion Process
Inspired by the new all-star selection process in the National Hockey League, faculty at Landry College have voted to adopt a draft-style promotion process. Prior to the change, faculty were put through a rigorous selection process that included an extensive evaluation of their scholarship and teaching evaluations. Committees spent hours in emotionally and intellectually grueling [...]

For Cost of Lunch Money, Tenured Professor Offers Protection to Administrators

Posted on Wednesday, September 15th 2010
Tags: contract, protection, security, tenure
For Cost of Lunch Money, Tenured Professor Offers Protection to Administrators
Personal Protection (within campus perimeter only) Date: 2010-03-14, 11:28AM EST Reply to: mailto:job-cronk-8037179008@craigslist.org Are you administrators tired of having your ideas and initiatives shot down because you don’t get any respect? Do you live in fear of being fired for doing the right thing? Sick of job instability because you work on a year-to-year contract? [...]

Tie Breaking Tenure decision is Hot-Hot-Hot!

Posted on Monday, July 12th 2010
Tags: decision, ethics, fairness, tenure, vote
Tie Breaking Tenure decision is Hot-Hot-Hot!
by Erica Price Freelance Writer Geography professor Jake Gildenhauf is relieved tonight after resolution to one of the most controversial tenure review processes in Shiver State College history. Trustees of SSC cast their votes on this professor’s tenure status with equal votes for and against. The typical tiebreaker, the chairperson of the Board, had recused [...]

Faculty Member Denied Tenure: Too Popular, Research Too Accessible

Posted on Friday, June 25th 2010
Tags: accessibility, evaluations, faculty, popular, tenure
Faculty Member Denied Tenure: Too Popular, Research Too Accessible
by Anselmo Watkins Freelance Writer In his six years at the Terra Nova University, Professor of Sociology Phil Dunston has twice been voted professor of the year by his students. His 2008 book on the sociological aspects of youth football among the children of Pennsylvania coal miners, Blocking the Mine, is in its third printing. [...]

More Tenure-Track Faculty Forced to Perish

Posted on Monday, June 14th 2010
Tags: jonathan swift, modest proposal, perish, publish, tenure
More Tenure-Track Faculty Forced to Perish
by K-FOAG Freelance Writer In these dog-eat-dog economic times, tenure is becoming an increasingly rare option for academic hopefuls. As a coveted job-security status, tenure has represented a holy grail for professorial types who are subsequently able to replace introductory course teaching with rarefied personal projects. However, for quality control purposes, tenure is only granted [...]

In Cost-Saving Measure, Assistant Profs Promoted Directly to Emeritus

Posted on Friday, June 4th 2010
Tags: emeritus, practices, promotion, tenure
In Cost-Saving Measure, Assistant Profs Promoted Directly to Emeritus
by Sasha Tremento Freelance Writer In what Barston College President Myron Pilsney calls a “win-win solution,” cutting costs but maintaining faculty morale, the college is promoting professors granted tenure directly to emeritus status. “It addresses the fiscal climate,” he told an uncharacteristically quiet faculty senate yesterday, “while maintaining morale. Tenure-track assistant professors have worked very [...]

Student Finally Gets What Professor Was Talking About All Those Years Ago

Posted on Friday, February 19th 2010
Tags: criteria, evaluations, feedback, standards, teaching, tenure
Student Finally Gets What Professor Was Talking About All Those Years Ago
Greg Dierstein, a freshman in Professor Romano’s literature seminar in 1993, woke up at 3:00 a.m. last night with an enlightened revelation. “I think Dr. Romano was right when he said reading and writing are really important in the real world,” said Greg. “I’m going to start using spellcheck so I can get that promotion [...]

Colleges Fear Repercussions of Not Granting Tenure to Jerk

Posted on Wednesday, February 3rd 2010
Tags: behavior, bill, civility, collegiality, criteria, faculty, politics, reader, tenure, william
Colleges Fear Repercussions of Not Granting Tenure to Jerk
Universities have begun sending lobbyists from both academic and financial affairs to Ohio University in hopes of influencing a particularly contentious impending tenure decision. Heated debate surrounds the alleged uncivil behavior of tenure candidate, Bill Reader. “Every campus gives tenure and promotions to cantankerous egomaniacs,” said one lobbyist from an academic affairs advocacy group. “It’s [...]

In Bold Move, College Replaces Tenure with Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Cards

Posted on Wednesday, November 25th 2009
Tags: accountability, evaluations, faculty, grievance, professors, teaching, tenure
In Bold Move, College Replaces Tenure with Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Cards
In a stunning move, Lime County College, CA voted to abandon a 125-year tradition of tenure in order to implement a new system that involves granting professors a stack of Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards. “We found traditional tenure practices tiresome,” said faculty chair Moses Stanley. “If I have to read another thick stack of portfolio materials, I [...]
Older Entries «

Social Links

Facebook MySpace Twitter  RSS

Get Your CronkNews Book!

Order your copy of Required Reading: The Very Best of CronkNews.com!

Available now on Amazon.

Host a Required Reading book club.

Download questions here. Get group rates on your books. For details, or to invite one of the authors to Skype with your club, email editor@CronkNews.com. Happy clubbin'!

Fall Recommendations

Show us your love

If you'd like to make a donation to keep us stocked in office supplies and creativity, we'd be ever so grateful.

Garb

For the fashion-conscious college professional on laundry day. Enter coupon code ShipmeforFREE for free shipping on orders over $30 until May 3!

Power of the Pen

It's more than a pen. It might just save your soul.

CronkNews Goes Multimedia

Listen to internet radio with CronkNews on Blog Talk Radio

Recent Posts

  • President Phil Comes Out of His Office, Sees His Secretary, Predicts 6 More Years with No Raises
  • Plushie Fetish Scandal Rocks College/Mascot Community
  • Stung by Plagiarism, Harvard Will Allow Profs to Make Stuff Up
  • No-Shave November Leaves Many Itching for Something New
  • Cronk’s First Video!: Stuff Hall Directors say to RAs

Hot Topics

  • CronkNews Documentary Film: "Move-In Day"
    15 comments received
  • Librarians Abandon Dewey Decimal System in Favor of Netflix Categories
    11 comments received
  • Librarians Reinstate Book Burning After Lauren Conrad Announces Release of Third Novel
    11 comments received
  • Contact Us
    6 comments received
  • Interns Scramble to Justify Summer Bitchwork as Academic
    6 comments received

Tags

academic acpa admissions assessment best practices budget campus chronicle college college humor conduct conference cronk cronknews diversity ethics faculty football helicopter highered higher ed higher education interview job millennial multicultural naspa NCAA News orientation parents PC Police Log policy political correctness privilege professors rules satire staff student tenure tpe twitter university wellness

Favorite Links

  • The Chronicle of Higher Education
  • The Onion
Copyright © 2012 The Cronk of Higher Education All Rights Reserved.