by Erica Price Freelance Writer Geography professor Jake Gildenhauf is relieved tonight after resolution to one of the most controversial tenure review processes in Shiver State College history. Trustees of SSC cast their votes on this professor’s tenure status with equal votes for and against. The typical tiebreaker, the chairperson of the Board, ... Continue Reading

by Anselmo Watkins Freelance Writer In his six years at the Terra Nova University, Professor of Sociology Phil Dunston has twice been voted professor of the year by his students. His 2008 book on the sociological aspects of youth football among the children of Pennsylvania coal miners, Blocking the Mine, is in ... Continue Reading

by K-FOAG Freelance Writer In these dog-eat-dog economic times, tenure is becoming an increasingly rare option for academic hopefuls. As a coveted job-security status, tenure has represented a holy grail for professorial types who are subsequently able to replace introductory course teaching with rarefied personal projects. However, for quality control purposes, tenure ... Continue Reading

by Sasha Tremento Freelance Writer In what Barston College President Myron Pilsney calls a “win-win solution,” cutting costs but maintaining faculty morale, the college is promoting professors granted tenure directly to emeritus status. “It addresses the fiscal climate,” he told an uncharacteristically quiet faculty senate yesterday, “while maintaining morale. Tenure-track assistant professors have ... Continue Reading

Greg Dierstein, a freshman in Professor Romano's literature seminar in 1993, woke up at 3:00 a.m. last night with an enlightened revelation. “I think Dr. Romano was right when he said reading and writing are really important in the real world,” said Greg. “I'm going to start using spellcheck so I ... Continue Reading

Universities have begun sending lobbyists from both academic and financial affairs to Ohio University in hopes of influencing a particularly contentious impending tenure decision. Heated debate surrounds the alleged uncivil behavior of tenure candidate, Bill Reader. “Every campus gives tenure and promotions to cantankerous egomaniacs,” said one lobbyist from an academic ... Continue Reading

In a stunning move, Lime County College, CA voted to abandon a 125-year tradition of tenure in order to implement a new system that involves granting professors a stack of Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards. “We found traditional tenure practices tiresome,” said faculty chair Moses Stanley. “If I have to read another thick stack ... Continue Reading

Graduate students at the Galveston Institute of Technology (GIT) are close to completing a helpful new iPhone app for tenured professors who prefer not to interface with students. Projected for release next month: Homework Humiliator This app interfaces with online homework programs such as WebAssign. Professors can choose the degree of humiliation, ... Continue Reading

Graduate students at the Galveston Institute of Technology (GIT) are close to completing a helpful new iPhone app for tenured professors who prefer not to interface with students. Projected for release next month: “Student Coming” Alert Paranoid about walking around campus and possibly running into your students? This app will provide a ... Continue Reading

Graduate students at the Galveston Institute of Technology (GIT) are close to completing a helpful new iPhone app for tenured professors who prefer not to interface meaningfully with students. Projected for release next month: Paper Grading Postponer Hate the tedious task of grading papers? No problem. Just enable this app and your ... Continue Reading