by Skye Kopfgeschlagen
Freelance Writer

Once banned by many university professors, cell phones are encouraged by the innovative educators of Harmony University.

If you detest speaking in class or feel that your repetitive questions might annoy the professor and class to the point of grade reduction, then Harmony University’s innovative use of technology may provide the solution for you.

New slang and methods of expressing oneself in class have finally hit the upper echelon of academia. Texted questions, comments and creative spelling of common slang are gracing the overhead screens of Harmony’s classrooms. Innovative terms such as “cleptocrat” or comments like “dis klass sux,” and “U R Stoopid!” are commonly broadcast during lectures across the campus. The pilot program has been a resounding success. According to Tweets and intercepted texts, “This rox!”

Some professors have raised concerns that relying on the additional qualitative data provided by the texts has created more to their already-overwhelming workload, but the students appear to enjoy class far more when they are allowed to monopolize class time by openly typing on cell phones instead of hiding their electronic devices behind their legs, chairs and other students.

Harmony professor Jane Pardue stated while grimacing, “Unfortunately, I have had to remove class participation from my syllabus since the texts are written anonymously but students are appearing in class more with smiles on their faces. I suppose that is a positive change.”

The pilot program is expected to last until the end of this academic term but students are elated with the results so far.

Faculty, staff, and administration are still adjusting and working on their cell phone typing skills. The department of technology services at Harmony has been able to create tutorials and practice drills, and will be hosting the first-ever texting workshop this week to include slang and spelling variations.

Likely, the final hours of American College Personnel Association (ACPA) President Tom Jackson’s term will be spent issuing pardons for a number of misguided conference delegates.

ACPA held its annual convention this week in Boston, where over 3000 college student affairs professionals met to attend workshops and learn the latest trends in higher education.

“What happened at the ‘Helping Students Deal with Abuse, Trauma and Devastation’ workshop was terribly unfortunate,” said a member of the ACPA public relations team. “From what we understand, a well-intended group from Pennsylvania created quite a ruckus.”

According to reports, the workshop presenter used storytelling as a technique to help the audience empathize with students who had experienced significant traumas.

“Every time the speaker mentioned a horrible maiming incident in Altoona, a group from Pennsylvania yelled ‘Woot! Woot!’ and high-fived each other,” said a witness.

“At first it was subtle. They used ‘raise the roof’ motions and made eye contact, but it quickly escalated,” explained a shaken session facilitator. “When the presenter described the awful mining accident that caused the Altoona maiming, the Pennsylvanians jumped from their seats and started doing dance moves like the Robot and the Cabbage Patch.”

“We’re from a small school in rural PA,” said one of the instigators. “With budgets so tight, we rarely make it to national conferences, so we get our cues from Tweeps. All the Woot-Wooting during previous conference programs painted a picture for us that was very different from reality.”

“We thought the presenter was using this thing they keep calling a ‘shout out,’” said another Pennsylvanian. “Tom Jackson gave one the other night at the opening gala, and we’re hoping he has it in his heart to give us one more.”

Freshman Pamela Roggins of Sunshine State University in Boca Raton, FL, set a new world record this week by writing her 34,077^th Facebook wall post stating some version of “Facebook is boring.”

Among her famous posts are these masterpieces:

• Yaaaawn. FB is sooooooo stuuuuupid.

• Ppl who use FB all the time are loosers.

• This is so laem. Kewl people don’t do fb anymore, peeps.

• Im going to hold my breth until facebook goes back to it’s old look. Dosn’t matter tho. Fb is stoopid anyways.

Congratulations, Pamela!

Miami University residents breathed a sigh of relief this week when a two-day manhunt revealed that missing student Brendan Schotz was not dead or abducted.

“The kid doesn’t have a cell phone,” said local police chief Tyler Gomez-Hernandez. “His roommate alerted us when he didn’t receive any texts from his roomie after Brendan went home for a weekend. We also found the behavior extremely troubling.”

Dean of students, Dr. Caroline Nunez, says the University has not decided whether or not to take disciplinary action. “Brendan technically didn’t violate any rules, but we feel he should be held accountable for creating such a terrible disturbance.”

“It never occurred to me that Brendan didn’t have a phone. I just thought he was dead,” said his roommate. “I’m not sure which would be worse.”