by M.E. Holiday
Freelance Writer

The original C3 volunteer uniform was modeled after the T21 construction vest from 1983.

While in Baltimore scouting out potential design challenges for the next season of fashion reality show “Project Runway,” co-host Tim Gunn unexpectedly found a new task for contestants.

“I was in the Inner Harbor and saw multiple people in heinous green vests. At first I thought Walmart had changed the color of its greeter uniforms but then I learned of something called the ‘Career Central (C3) staff member,’” said Gunn.

No stranger to higher education, former dean of the Parson’s design school Gunn observed that the vest shape flattered neither men nor women and the color resembled a dirty dollar bill.

“I know these candidates are not in education for the money, and blue is a an appropriately soothing color,” said Gunn. “The more natural hue will complement the feelings educators will have years down the road when their MBA classmates live more regal lifestyles while they are still trying to find jobs that provide a cafeteria supplement.”

After hearing that the 2012 placement conference will take place in Louisville, Gunn saw the possibilities for the scope of this “Project Runway” task. He announced that contestants will design derby hats for C3 volunteers inspired by the hats adorned by women attending the Kentucky Derby.

“This type of accessory will not just be a way for candidates and employers to identify conference staff, but will also inspire candidates to showcase their individuality in interviews. We will make this work.”

So as to not be outdone by ACPA, a spokesperson for NASPA’s conference has announced that its 2012 placement fair in Phoenix will include fashion designer Issac Mizrahi as a consultant for redesigning the TPE staff attire.

According to Mizrahi, “I’m thinking of something in a pancho.”

by Rosanna Mitchell
Freelance Writer

"It's not fair!" said another candidate. "The Starbucks guy doesn't even know his StrengthsQuest type!"

Applicants woke up this morning to the news that, at best, they would be a school’s second choice candidate after attending and marketing themselves at a recent college administrators’ job fairs The Placement Exchange in Philadelphia and Career Central in Baltimore.

“I just can’t believe I was beat out by Todd from Starbucks,” said Stacy Whitemore, an applicant who interviewed for 57 entry-level positions.

“I made sure to mention how passionate I was about students,” said Bob Mission, another candidate. “I don’t understand why anyone would pick [Todd] instead of me. He didn’t even know his StrengthsQuest leadership style when I asked him.”

Employers indicated several reasons why Todd was the best candidate for any professional position in higher education, but placed particular emphasis on the following:

#4: Todd greeted everyone with equal enthusiasm, regardless of the school’s name on the Convention Badge.

#3: When the coffee kiosk ran out of bagels, Todd challenged customers to step out of their comfort zones and try a scone, supportively of course.

#2: He offered breakfast combinations that fell exactly into institutional per diem amounts, i.e. a spoonful of coffee and sharing a croissant with your hotel roommates.

#1: He was able to incorporate “passion” uniquely into almost every order, especially the orders which included a Grande Tazo Shaken Iced Passion Tea.

Todd was contacted for comment, however his supervisor reported that he “had the day off.”

Rumors have spread that Todd is narrowing down offers from the schools that presented the best team dynamic while waiting in line for lattés.

by Erica Price
Freelance Writer

"I never have to buy groceries like other people my age," says Coach Spaulding. "The dorm cafeteria is better than tenure for keeping me here and the kids love to hear my stories."

Rave reviews from the National Association of Student Personnel Association’s (NASPA) recent “Institute for Aspiring Senior Student Affairs Officers” conference have inspired a different group of student affairs administrators to consider some different professional development initiatives.

The newly founded “Gold Watch Institute” will be held this coming April in Jacksonville, Florida. The new program grew from a vocal coalition of members of NASPA expressing concern that with the high turnover rate in the field of student affairs, it was time to visibly promote a message that supports more long term employees at various institutions.

“We’re just tired of these cut-throat, ambitious, status-seeking types” says Jack Richardson, coordinator of the new higher education institute. “They’re always looking for the next step. Why not be happy where you are?”

The organizing committee plans to distribute their “It’s OK 2 Stay” buttons as a form of peaceful dissent at the upcoming Placement Exchange professional recruitment conference and the official launch of their new program. The public relations campaign features Maggie Hahn, t21-year development assistant at Shoreline Community College in Terre Haute, Indiana. When asked about her decision to not even seek potential new opportunities she said, “In today’s economy there’s not a lot of extra money in the bank account for things like interview suits. My suit from twenty years ago doesn’t fit anymore and I have other priorities than buying a new one. So, I stay.”

Keynote speaker for the Institute has been announced as Mr. Kenneth G. Boltonne, who has served as Career Services Coordinator at Keshaw State University in Illinois for the past 32 years. His presentation, entitled “Stick Around for a While, You’ll Learn Something” will highlight benefits of long term employment in the same position for so long. His tales of skillfully memorizing the catering guide for campus event planning and use of the same box of business cards for multiple decades is certain to inspire more employees to settle down.

The Institute will also honor Jack “Coach” Spaulding with the coveted “Deep Roots” Award for institutional service. At 64 years old, he is the oldest serving residence hall director in the student affairs profession. When asked for his reaction to his recognition, he said “When I started as the assistant basketball coach all those years ago I had no idea what student affairs was all about. They moved me over to the RD spot after realizing I didn’t know anything about basketball and that they shouldn’t have hired me in the first place. Who knew I would love it this much?”

Follow the preparation for the new Institute and feel free to join the dialogue on Twitter at the hashtag #stayput11.

by Seamus O’Flannery
Freelance Writer

"I had concerns last year when my conference roommate came back from an interview with a new laptop," said one candidate. "All I got was a lousy Post-It pad."

It was confirmed in a press release this week that the national higher education recruitment fair “The Placement Exchange” (TPE) will be cracking down on items institutions will be allowed give to candidates at the annual conference. This announcement comes after many complaints from smaller institutions regarding last year’s TPE convention in Chicago.

“We can’t afford to give flash drives, mugs and shirts to every candidate we select to interview at TPE. It’s just not economical,” said Randall Jones, assistant director of residence life at Southeastern A&M College. “We just want to be able to compete with everyone else. Now, candidates can be excited when they see the departmental pens in their mailboxes that we have been handing out for ten years.”

The new policy states that institutions can now spend only $0.27 per candidate interviewed at The Placement Exchange. This new policy has received mixed reviews from candidates currently registered for this spring’s Placement Exchange in Philadelphia. Elina Proper, hall director at Southeast State College, noted that she is happy about this change.

“I’ll be job searching again this year, as I was given the wrong impression about my campus when I interviewed with them at last year’s TPE. They gave me a USB flash drive and I took that as a sign that they embraced technology. Come to find out, both Twitter and Facebook are blocked on all campus computers. Departmental websites haven’t been updated in years.”

Registered interviewers had serious concerns about the new policy.

“We’ve already invested in iPods for every candidate,” said one employer. “We drained money from our programming budget to make that investment. TPE just doesn’t get how much we care about giving our students the best possible recruits we can.”

Felix Smyth, a first-year late night programming coordinator at the University of Northwestern California, also disagreed with the change.

“Do you think I would have taken a position where I have to work past midnight on a weekend if it hadn’t been for the free stuff I got when I interviewed at TPE?” he asked. “They gave me a flash drive, coffee mug, departmental pen, and a poncho! It was because of all of those items that I knew how much they wanted me to work for them. Other schools had more competent interviewers and a clearer sense of mission, but how was I to know how much they really liked me and wanted to make me happy? Stuff matters.”

When asked if he had received any free items other than t-shirts and polos since beginning his full-time position, Mr. Smyth declined to comment.

by Hannah Q. Scott
Freelance Writer

“It’s exactly like finding a life partner. I met my once-a-year conference mate at the same social where I met my new employer – it was a two-for-one match!” said Arnold Schwartz.

Press Release: March 2011

Executives at match.com and eHarmony will send representatives to higher education job fairs OPE, TPE, and ACPA placement this year to learn ways to improve match-making.

Ruth Stern from match.com stated, “Those student affairs folks really know how to hook people up with each other. People submit their résumés, spend 30 minutes at an interview table in a huge room full of hundreds of other people and matches are made or discarded at a rapid pace. We could stand to learn something about this process to help our website.”

eHarmony director of development Annie Connoly said, “We figure that placement is the original speed-dating situation and we’d like to observe the ‘mating’ rituals of student affairs professionals in their natural habitats. We also plan to attend socials to get the hang of what people are looking for in employer/employee matches. Finding new employees is very similar to starting a new relationship.”

Park State University’s Director of Human Resources for Student Affairs Arnold Schwartz, when asked about the dating sites’ attendance at these annual job recruitment events said, “It’s about time. Everyone in student affairs knows that we are the best at dressing up, talking to others about our strengths and weaknesses, assessing our past experiences and then seeking a match for our skills and needs. It’s exactly like finding a life partner. In fact, I met my once-a-year life partner at the conference social where I met my new employer – it was a two-for-one match!”