We don’t know what they’re hiding, but we have to acknowledge the brilliance of the University of California’s Board of Regents for their amazing cover-up job. Last Thursday, November 19, UC Regents announced a 32% increase in tuition, leading to spirited protests and subsequent arrests on multiple UC campuses. Students, faculty and staff have banded [...]

Miami University residents breathed a sigh of relief this week when a two-day manhunt revealed that missing student Brendan Schotz was not dead or abducted. “The kid doesn’t have a cell phone,” said local police chief Tyler Gomez-Hernandez. “His roommate alerted us when he didn’t receive any texts from his roomie after Brendan went home [...]

Physics professors at Swanson University hope to set a new precedent for academic governance by creating two new distinct Physics departments known as “The Old Guard” and “The Whippersnappers.” “Those new kids, with their innovative teaching techniques and disregard for department traditions are just a pain,” said Evalyn Lovelace, the proposed interim chair of the [...]

Graduate students at the Galveston Institute of Technology (GIT) are close to completing a helpful new iPhone app for tenured professors who prefer not to interface with students. Projected for release next month: Calendar Protector Do you teach a subject that students want to learn more about during their extracurricular times? When a Resident Assistant [...]

Morehouse College in Atlanta has instituted a dress code banning attire that could be construed as unprofessional or gay-friendly. According to CNN.com, Morehouse’s VP for Student Services, Dr. William Bynum explained “the policy comes from the vision of the college’s president, who wants the institution to create leaders like notable graduates… Samuel L. Jackson and [...]

Administrators at universities across the United States are basking in their own hipness this year as thousands of new Facebook groups have emerged to represent their departments and events. “The freshmen really think we’re cool,” said James Pollens, director of admissions for Angelica Community College in Utah. “We’ve had over fifteen students join our ‘Proud [...]

Trustees from over thirty liberal arts colleges met last week to discuss forming a private consortium aiming to advocate for American rich kids. Details about the meeting have not been released, but the group, calling themselves the “No Rich Kid Left Behind Posse” have leaked key details to the press. According to insiders, rich kids [...]

CronkNews.com has challenged its staff, through manipulation, threats and temper tantrums, to improve social networking. The goal: to attract 100 Twitter followers before Ashton Kutcher recruits 4 million. Results so far: 09/17/09 Competition Start Date 09/19/09 10/03/09 Kutcher Followers 3,548,800 3,621,866 3,754,142 CronkNews Followers 39 47 50 Uh oh. Kutcher is closing in on 4 [...]

Barely beating out two other colleges this year, Portland Maine University (PMU) became the first institution in the country to recruit a perfect freshman class. “Faculty and staff have been urging us to recruit perfect students,” said director of enrollment, Tobey Tuttle, “and this year we got sick of the requests and just did it. [...]

Emma Watson, the actress best known for portraying nerd witch Hermione Grainger in the Harry Potter movie series, successfully completed freshman orientation at Brown University in Providence, RI this fall. Ever since, rumors about the brainy actress’s activities at the Ivy League school have swirled through the blogosphere. “We heard she played an M&M game [...]