TSA Implements Full-Body Scans on College Shuttles

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Professor DiGuantonio has no idea what awaits him at the campus shuttle stop.

by David Anthony
Freelance Writer

In bold move, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) introduced full-body scanners and comprehensive pat-downs as part of campus shuttle services across colleges and universities nationwide.

An anonymous TSA source indicated said “We felt that waiting for travelers to get to class was time wasted. We could be infringing on their civil liberties much sooner.”

All campuses, whether public or private, vocational or liberal arts, large or small, are subject to the effects of the heightened security protocols.

“I don’t mind the pat downs really,” said Hopeshore State freshman Audrey Fulbright, “I’m fine as long as they don’t find out about the piece of carry-on luggage I hid. I’m not paying $50 to carry my book bag to class!”

Despite Ms. Fulbright’s compliant nature, her opinion is currently in the minority according to a recently conducted nationwide poll surveying hundreds of thousands of college students nationwide:

Do you agree with the TSA’s position on full body scans and invasive pat downs?

Chad Northbeach a senior at the South Carolina’s prestigious Lauderdale School indicated displeasure at the new safety measure.

“Brah, no way am I going to have some scummy TSA broad all up in my junk,” said Northbeach. “You want to take a ride on the Chad, you gotta wait in line like everyone else.” To emphasize his point, Northbeach opened his shirt for reporters, exposing his well-formed abdominals.

While these heightened security measures are sure to cause delays for more than a few innocent coeds, the anonymous TSA source is optimistic.

“If you keep your fingers crossed and I keep my fingers crossed then hopefully we’ll find someone with exploding underwear and shoes!”