Rebellious and Non-conformist Residence Hall Facility Declares Itself a “Dorm”

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by Jeremy Sly
Freelance Writer

"Before the residence hall became a dorm we never had roommate conflicts," said the dean of residence life.

Residents of South Baton Hall, located on the campus of Breslin University, were shocked Wednesday when they came home from classes to see find that their one-time residence hall was now a “dorm.” Originally a facility that enhanced student development by means of building a sense of community and ensuring safety, South Baton, which was once honored as Residence Hall of the Year at Breslin, was reduced to a dorm.

“In training we learned that a dorm is just a place where people eat, poop and sleep,” said resident assistant Johnathan Neely, who once took pride in promoting alcohol-free events on the fifth floor of South Baton.

According to resident director Scott Bloomington, this is not the first time South Baton Hall has played pranks on its residents. In 2005, a jar of pennies for the annual “Penny War” hall fundraiser mysteriously turned into dimes. In October 2007 elevators stopped working at approximately 5:01 every other weekday evening, forcing the after-hours night mechanic to grudgingly perform restorative duties.

According to Bloomington, “The building is making next to no one come to hall council-sponsored programs.”

University police originally dismissed the incidents as acts of student tomfoolery, but veteran officer Ryan Wells offered an alternative viewpoint.

“Yep, South Baton has pulled stuff like this for years. Hell, I remember back in 2002 when a couple of third-floor students were drawing pictures on the wall with markers. South Baton turned the pictures into penises almost immediately. Truly sickening,” said Wells. “Can you imagine? Students drawing such graphic imagery? Me neither. No, this is an act of the hall itself. Nothing else.”

Officer Wells, a dropout of Breslin University, went on to describe South Baton hall as a “mean spirited, no good asbestos-filled cement hellhole.”

When asked why the building had proclaimed itself a dorm, the staff was short of answers.

“I just don’t know,” said Bloomington. “I mean, for the residence life staff, this is horrible. The students are taking it surprisingly well. Many freshmen seem to be saying ‘dorm’ without any trouble really. The RAs however, well…the RAs are taking it tough. Anna Johnson can barely say ‘dorm’ without wanting to cry at least a little bit. And she’s been an RA for three years. It’s truly sickening to witness.”

When asked about the future Bloomington said, “It’s still possible something good can come out of this situation. A lot of developmental conversations and intentional interactions with confused students will be a must for our strong staff. We are diverting all of our programming funds to our new ‘Res Hall or the Highway’ campaign.”