by Matthew Michael
After three and a half years of extolling the academic rigor of his business major, senior Garrett Jones is coming clean to family and friends and admitting he chose his joke of a major based on its low expectations.
“In my freshman year I thought I could hack it as a philosophy major, but then I bombed my first Intro to Philosophy exam just ’cause I didn’t study,” Jones admitted. “I was worried I’d look like a failure when I declared my business major, so I started telling folks it was actually more demanding than the arts and science majors.”
The lies were small at first, Jones explained. He told his parents that the business curriculum required higher order contemplation by constantly asking him to “think outside the box.” He discussed with friends that his “Computing Applications in Business” course was really challenging his long-held assumptions about Microsoft® Word.
Soon, though, his lies caught up to him.
“There was this one chick I was seeing my sophomore year—a political science major—and I invited her to an intellectual conversation with me over a cup of coffee on the quad,” Jones said. “Problem was she hadn’t read any of the great books like 7 Habits or Good to Great or anything from Jack Welch. Instead, she looks down at her coffee and asks what I think about the situation in Colombia.”
Admitting he only drank their coffee and was unqualified to talk about Colombia’s politics without the help of Wikipedia, Jones left the young woman there in the grass and went to finish his group report on The Brown Bear for his Business Communications course.
Things reached a tipping point this year as Jones entered his final semester and left his graduation application lying on a table at his parents’ house. Jones’ mother, Martha, discovered the application showing his business major had 25 hours of free electives, for most of which her son had elected to take physical education courses.
“He could have done a minor or two to explore more traditional scholastic horizons,” she complained. “But no, he looks for the easiest way out. That’s when I got suspicious about his choice of major.”
Jones related, “My mom was great about everything when I came out to her as a slacker. She said I was still her son and she’d love me regardless of my academic orientation.”
Jones’ father, Burt, had a different reaction. “You picture your son going off to college, finding a respectable major and working hard to uphold her honor,” said the elder Jones. “Picking a major like “business” that just sounds like a job? It’s not natural.”
Garrett Jones is patching things up with his father and coming to terms with his new identity as an academic bum. He has even taken to researching and reporting on the realities of his business major.
“Did you know we have the largest percentage of blondes of any major on campus?” Jones asked.
“Seriously, I’ve studied them, er… I’ve studied the phenomenon for my Business Statistics course. I call it a ‘Feminomenon’—wanna see the PowerPoint?”