Dangerous Parent Pays $14,000 a Year Expecting University to Deliver Shitty Experience

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by AJ Marshfield
Freelance Writer

FESU officials have asked for an IT security investigation. "We suspect Mrs. Washburn may be working with a parents' empowerment group that could help students learn life skills," said a frightened administrator. "Their work might eliminate the need for an inflated number of college staff members. It's just plain dangerous."

Florida East State University Residence Hall Coordinator Jason Picks reported a suspicious parent this week to the university’s threat assessment team.

According to Picks, parent Miranda Washburn sent him an email stating she is absolutely paying $14,000 a year in housing costs so her daughter Sarah can have “an incredibly fucked-up college housing experience.”

“As a parent you scrimp and save to send your child to college,” the email read. “This is $14,000 a year I want to see going towards some life experiences.”

Washburn went on to say that she couldn’t care less about her daughter’s roommate situation. “Oh, she complained to you about that, too? Yeah, I’m not about to sit here and write emails all day about how ‘we never expected this from a school like FESU’ and ‘at orientation it was stated that students could apply for single rooms.’ Really? You should have seen my roommate in college. I still have the scars! My daughter can buck up if her roommate doesn’t like cleaning the room… Sarah is no neat-freak either.”

Picks says he initially thought Washburn’s email was refreshing. “Most times, parents act as though students are customers, not adults learning to develop and function autonomously. They’re indignant that we’re not using all $14,000 to ensure that the temperature in the room never fluctuates from 72 degrees, or wondering why their hard-earned money is being spent for their child to live in a ‘prison’ with guards who are cracking down on simple things like underage drinking.”

Picks soon had second thought. “I can’t tell you how many times some parent has said ‘I’m not paying $14,000 for my student to have to wait in line for an open washing machine.’ In comparison, Ms. Washburn’s email sounded quite insane. Normal parents assume that once they write a check, you should be kissing their ass. I had no choice but to report my concerns.”

Investigators found that the email also stated that Washburn was aware of how much housing cost before having her daughter sign the contract.

“I knew it would be $14,000 and I know I could spend a lot less and have her stay somewhere without her own bathroom and without wi-fi and carpeted hallways,” said the email. “I also know that $14,000 is a drop in the bucket to a big university. I’m not a freaking shareholder because I pay for my kid’s housing. You get what you pay for, and you pay the exact same as the other 7500 students in the dorms…you don’t get treated like freaking royalty.”

Campus mental health specialists were unconvinced of Washburn’s instability at first, but further reports have allegedly resulted in a call to officials in Washburn’s home town.

According to the FESU’s director of counseling, “As soon as we heard the mother had no interest in learning how FERPA impacts her ability to access her daughter’s grades, we knew she was dangerously pathological.”