by Shubert Lovenkraft
After almost three years of carefree college sex, junior Samantha Hammerschmidt posted on her Facebook page that she can no longer afford to “just give it away” to friends without a pre-arranged mutual cost-sharing agreement.
“At first it was like no strings attached,” Hammerschmidt, a business major from Troy, Michigan, responded to an email seeking comment. “But the cost of providing full benefits to more and more friends keeps going up and I just feel its time that everyone pays their fair share.”
Hammerschmidt has introduced a $10 co-pay for all late-night hook ups with a $10 surcharge for anything on the weekends. “I’ve got a summer internship every morning to think about now and I can’t just show up whenever I feel like it,” she explained. “Plus, if I want to get a job at any of the big firms downtown I have to make my date nights count.”
Hammerschmidt will now require all friends requesting benefits to sign a contract and waiver of liability before accessing the benefits package. She has already posted a complex schedule of co-pays that range widely depending upon location, duration, necessary accessories and replacement value.
In addition Hammerschmidt has declared the beanbag chair off limits. “I have to be able to watch Fox Business News now with no distractions.”
When asked whether the decision might conflict with certain longstanding legal standards Hammerschmidt seemed unconcerned. “I’m just responding to market conditions. It’s just like health care. Capitalism is the American way. Love it or leave it, baby.”