by Con Chapman
GREENWICH, Conn. The nation’s leading clothing retailers for 18-22 year olds today joined forces to form the “Fashion Ivy League,” a network of upscale stores that will offer college classes to capitalize on their brand dominance in the whiny, over-privileged adolescent demographic.
“The margin on college tuition is huge,” noted Hollister spokesman Sabin Hennrikous. “You can pick up an English professor complete with corduroy blazer for less than we spend each week on body oil for male models.”
The retailers will open collegiate outlets under the names Abercrombie, Fitch, Aeropostale, American Eagle and Hollister at a time when demand for prestigious educational brand names is at an all-time high. “Stanford and Yale would kill for A&F’s customer list,” said Women’s Wear Daily reporter Liz Axson. “Who needs a billion dollar endowment when every kid who applies has a trust fund?”
Abercrombie & Fitch is the “Harvard” of the league having been founded in 1892. It struggled financially beginning in the sixties, but repositioned itself as a facilitator of premarital sex among white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant children. “It’s been such a blessing for our son,” gushed Marcia “Pokie” Chilton of Groton, Massachusetts. “Yes, the clothes are expensive, but every penny Evan spends on faux rugged-looking shirts is one less he can blow on cocaine.”
The Ivy League was formed initially as an athletic conference, and the Fashion Ivies will field a variety of sports associated with the elite lifestyle of the upper classes of the northeast including lacrosse, field hockey, fencing, sporting clays and squash, both butternut and zucchini. Campus book stores will be stocked with the retailers’ merchandise, which in recent years has increasingly been styled to resemble branded college apparel, and audio-book editions of The Catcher in the Rye.
The pouty, put-upon air of Abercrombie & Fitch models has spawned web sites for less-fortunate adolescents who are raised in homes where martinis are not served with every meal.
“There’s the Abercrombie Model Workout and How to Look Like an Abercrombie Model for both boys and girls,” says Target buyer Tricia Tollworthy. “My only hope is that, if my husband and I work hard and save our money, someday we’ll be able to afford A&F clothes for our kids and they’ll turn into miserable brats too.”